


Why Does Akaashi Keiji Have So Many Contacts

by redcitrine



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Ensemble Cast, Getting Together, Memes, Mild Mention of Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23408290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redcitrine/pseuds/redcitrine
Summary: akaaaaashi!:Hmm. You know what would distract you from that? As well as possibly helping you get a boyfriend?akaaaaashi!:In addition, providing me with a source of entertainment?Bokuto-san:?akaaaaashi!:Well, you see, I do have quite a few contacts now from various volleyball teams across the countryakaaaaashi!:Whom I do not know all too well and would like to get to know betterBokuto-san:yes but what does this have to do with kurooakaaaaashi!:I’m going to make a group chatBokuto-san:oh noakaaaaashi!:Let’s Help Bokuto Koutarou Score a Hottie™Bokuto-san:akaashi blease[Akaashi_Khas created a new conversation ][Akaashi_Khas named this conversationalright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass]
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Miya Atsumu, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Futakuchi Kenji/Terushima Yuuji, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou, Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 82
Kudos: 471





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is an edited re-upload of my chatfic of the same name under my old account starcass_miseryna!
> 
> Those of you who may have read this back in '18 may be wondering why I took it down; ultimately I realized I was uncomfortable with how suggestive of some of the jokes were, but nevertheless I did enjoy writing it way back when, and on a whim decided, if I could edit the nsfw content out and replace it with even more moronic more-or-less sfw meme content, "why not?"
> 
> Answer: It's Covid-19. I am stuck at home. I have time to revise this, and now that season 4 is airing at last, seems like as good a time as any (My heart is full of unspeakable joy. Cour 2 of Season 4 really said Inarizaki stan rights..!)
> 
> Buckle in folks; it's just as stupid of a ride as before! I am not responsible for any loss of brain cells that may ensue following the reading of this fic. (Please don't hold me accountable. I might cry if you do.)

_Direct Message:_ _Akaashi_K_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_

[7:43 am]

**Bokuto-san:** akaashi!!

 **Bokuto-san:** help me

**akaaaaashi!:** What happened now

**Bokuto-san:** its kuroo

**akaaaaashi!:** Colour me shocked.

**Bokuto-san:** nekoma got new uniforms and he was showing me and obviously its like a bro thing but

 **Bokuto-san:** hes like rlly hot so

 **Bokuto-san:** goddammit reds such a good colour dhjfkshj

**akaaaaashi!:** Hmm. You know what would distract you from that? As well as possibly helping you get a boyfriend?

 **akaaaaashi!** : In addition, providing me with a source of entertainment?

**Bokuto-san:** ?

**akaaaaashi!:** Well, you see, I do have quite a few contacts now from various volleyball teams across the country

 **akaaaaashi!:** Whom I do not know all too well and would like to get to know better

**Bokuto-san:** yes but what does this have to do with kuroo??

**akaaaaashi!:** I’m going to make a group chat

**Bokuto-san:** oh no

**akaaaaashi!:** Let’s Help Bokuto Koutarou Score a Hottie™

**Bokuto-san:** akaashi blease

_[_ _Akaashi_K_ _has created a new conversation ]_

_[_ _Akaashi_K_ _added_ _aobajousaiace_ _,_ _foxyyboi_ _,_ _fruitagucci_ _,_ _InarizakiMiya_ _,_ _kindaichii_ _,_ _kiwinishi_ _,_ _kuguri__ _,_ _lilyama_ _,_ _minimaleffort_ _, mooshijima, noshit_chikara, _ _oikawahahaha_ _,_ _puddign_haed_ _,_ _sasuke_kiyoomi_ _,_ _settersrc00l_ _,_ _ssssuguru , sugUwUra _ _,_ _SunaRatherThanLater_ _,_ _teradshima_ _,_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _and_ _yourangleoryuordevil_ _to the conversation ]_

_[_ _Akaashi_K_ _has named this conversation_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_ _]_

**kuguri_:** who the fuck are you

**oikawahahaha:** back at ya but it sounds spicy im down

**WisdomOfTheAce:** akaashi whyyyy

**Akaashi_K:** Basically no one’s online right now but I’ll further set up this chat in about two hours

 **Akaashi_K:** ‘Til then, peace out

**puddign_haed:** oh god. i cant not tell kuroo about this

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ill break ur wii

**puddign_haed:** oh

 **puddign_haed:** you wouldnt

**WisdomOfTheAce:** dont fucking test me flan boy

* * *

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here to get bo kuroos ass_

[8:27 am]

**fruitagucci:** yooo new chat who dis?

**kiwinishi:** don’t ask me

**foxyyboi:** why tf do yall have such stupid names

**settersrc00l:** coming from you, miya?

**foxyyboi:** my point EVIDENTLY still stands tobio-kun

 **foxyyboi:** but whatcha doing here?

**kuguri_:** again, what are any of us doing here

**fruitagucci:** hey admin man pls return and explain

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Can I please not participate in any ass grabbing

 **sasuke_kiyoomi:** That’s incredibly unhygienic

**foxyyboi:** didnt know u were a naruto stan sakusa

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Autocorrect’s a bitch

**kiwinishi:** its ok we all went through a naruto phase

 **kiwinishi:** i for sure know people who arent out of them yet

 **kiwinishi:** @yourangleoryuordevil

**yourangleoryuordevil:** whats this

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** naruto is ART u plebeian string bean

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** wait taichi-kun~~~

 **yourangleoryuordevil:** how do we know these people

**kiwinishi:** we dont

**mooshijima:** I’m here as well for some reason. Hello Tendou, Kawanishi.

**oikawahahaha:** omg ushiwaka is here?

 **oikawahahaha:** rad so thats my cue to leave

_[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has left this conversation ]_

**Akaashi_K:** I have been summoned I see

 **Akaashi_K:** Time to establish our first rule, then

 **Akaashi_K:** Nobody gets to leave

_[_ _Akaashi_K_ _has added_ _oikawahahaha_ _to the conversation ]_

**oikawahahaha:** fuck you

**mooshijima:** Hello, Oikawa

**oikawahahaha:** fuck you but like with even more emphasis

**kuguri_:** you are all legit strangers how did you get this account

**ssssuguru:** wait i know a few people here tho

 **ssssuguru** : vball thing?

**kuguri_:** oh hell no

**Akaashi_K:** Indeed.

 **Akaashi_K:** I, Akaashi Keiji, have created this group for three reasons.

 **Akaashi_K:** To aid Bokuto-san in his quest to win Kuroo Tetsurou’s heart

 **Akaashi_K:** To get to know more people and expand my social circles

 **Akaashi_K:** And for the memes.

**aobajousaiace:** i've only just arrived and already i can’t see this turning out well

**ssssuguru:** i hate kuroo’s guts tho why would you enlist me

**fruitagucci:** only circles youll be expanding are the nine circles of hell lez be honest

**kiwinishi:** guess i cant say no to memes

**yourangleoryuordevil:** well i am excited! heartbreak is sort of my jam yknow

**WisdomOfTheAce:** cool ive been abandoned by god

**Akaashi_K:** I am God now.

 **Akaashi_K:** Oh, and as Atsumu-kun pointed out earlier, there are a rather large amount of stupid names

**foxyyboi:** see

**oikawahahaha:** i beg ur pardon

**WisdomOfTheAce:** excuse me

**fruitagucci:** excuse me

**kiwinishi:** excuse me

**settersrc00l:** excuse you

**foxyyboi:** my point stands

**Akaashi_K:** However, I believe that everyone here could use one.

 **Akaashi_K:** This is already so amusing

 **Akaashi_K:** What’s a little more fun?

**InarizakiMiya:** No please

**foxyyboi:** take the L dickhead

 **foxyyboi:** ur names stupid anyway everyone knows i am by far the better brother and deserve that user

_[_ _InarizakiMiya_ _has changed his name to_ _gettin real tired of foxyyboi_ _]_

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Your point?

**Akaashi_K:** Good. Very good

**minimaleffort:** hey i'm here now, *yas hello my adoring fans*

 **minimaleffort:** while we’re at it, could some other dudes use this for dating advice

**WisdomOfTheAce:** okay but i didnt agree to this dumb fucking chat and ur so-called dating advice anyway

**Akaashi_K:** Too bad

 **Akaashi_K:** Kunimi: Elaborate

**minimaleffort:** well you see

 **minimaleffort:** there's this boy i've liked for a year or so now

 **minimaleffort:** and he's really cute

 **minimaleffort** : problem is, he's sorta dense when it comes to stuff like that

 **minimaleffort** : i can flirt with him and he won't pick up on it at all

**kindaichii:** aw :(

 **kindaichiI:** should i talk to him for you?

**minimaleffort:** well.

**settersrc00l:** yeah so he's really extremely dense

**kindaichii:** that's unfortunate

 **kindaichii:** i'm sorry kunimi

**kiwinishi:** … cool

**fruitagucci:** lmao just ask him out

**minimaleffort:** do you see my user… bitch he can ask ME out tf

**oikawahahaha:** how all my underclassmen this gay and useless eww

**aobajousaiace:** they get it from you

**yourangleoryuordevil:** theres so much salt here.... its like im having that one team sleepover with both semi and shirabu again

**kiwinishi:** amen. worst night of my high school life

**mooshijima:** (I hate to speak ill of my teammates but I must agree.)

**oikawahahaha:** well, IM glad u suffered

**aobajousaiace:** shut up you’re embarrassing the rest of us

**teradshima:** yoooo late to the party but here with the fun !!

**fruitagucci:** YOOOOO

**teradshima:** HEEEEEEY

**fruitagucci:** YUUJI MY BROTHER

**teradshima:** AYY KENJI HOW YA DOIN

**fruitagucci:** FINE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF HBU

**teradshima:** COOL AND GOOD MY DUDE COOL AND GOOD

**mooshijima:** You know,

 **mooshijima:** Sometimes I have a hard time believing that these two are captains of some of Miyagi's strongest volleyball teams.

**oikawahahaha:** damn it i hate to agree with ushij*ma

**kuguri_:** great. i know about your various beefs and nothing else

**minimaleffort:** beefs?

 **minimaleffort:** that cant be right its gotta be… 

**minimaleffort:** wait no

**yourangleoryuordevil:** BEEVES

**WisdomOfTheAce:** pls delete that text im dying as it is

**oikawahahaha:** B E E V E S

**aobajousaiace:** thanks! reading that word viscerally unsettled me brb i have to yank out my eyeballs

**kuguri_:** *so i know about your various BEEVES but i still don’t know any of you

**ssssuguru:** kuguri the mammals are all asleep

**WisdomOfTheAce:** owls are fucking nocturnal did u even pass middle school

**kuguri_:** besides we arent like actually snakes

 **kuguri_:** well maybe you are

 **kuguri_:** nevermind :)

**ssssuguru:** bitch

**Akaashi_K:** Most normal high schoolers awaken at 10-12 am on weekends

 **Akaashi_K:** Shall we try for full introductions then?

**foxyyboi:** yeah what kinda tryhards get up before like at least 9

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** It is 8:48; your point

**foxyyboi:** not my fault you and suna were loud

**SunaRatherThanLater:** No we weren't

**oikawahahaha:** ooh did you overhear their ~sexy times~

**yourangleoryuordevil:** gimme the dirty dirty deets

**teradshima:** don't leave anything out, foxyyboi

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Ah yes, our Sexy Times

**SunaRatherThanLater:** Yes, yes

 **SunaRatherThanLater:** This morning was dare I say… enlightening

 **SunaRatherThanLater:** Osamu, dear, would you like to explain ;))

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Absolutely, sweetie ;)) … you see, we were

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** How shall I put it?

 **gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Reading and discussing the news

**SunaRatherThanLater:** No better way to start the day than checking pandemic death stats amirite

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** And what the fuck is happening with the global stock market

**kiwinishi:** oh my god i know right?

**foxyyboi:** seriously how do you not have better ways to start your morning

**SunaRatherThanLater:** As I recall I went into your room to get an extra towel and you were engrossed in Cosmopolitan

**oikawahahaha:** damn. thats depressing

 **oikawahahaha:** Cosmo, tho~~ foxyyboi, u got good taste

**minimaleffort:** god sometimes i'm so embarrassed you're my captain

**settersrc00l:** your fault you went to his school

**minimaleffort** : yeah yeah as i recall weren't your grades so shit you couldn't even get in on a volleyball scouting

**settersrc00l:** you're a prick kunimi

**minimaleffort:** mmhm but at least oikawa likes me

**oikawahahaha:** kunimi~chan, i love all my kouhai equally

**kindaichii:** thank you, Oikawa-san !!

**oikawahahaha:** except for tobio-chan

 **oikawahahaha:** he can fuck right off and go join ushiwaka in hell

**Akaashi_K:** Yes. So far I think we're doing great

* * *

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[10:15 am]

**lilyama:** what's this

 **lilyama:** a new groupchat

**sugUwUra:** oh hi yamaguchi!!

**lilyama:** good morning mother

**noshit_chikara:** what

**lilyama:** and good morning to you too, secondary mother

**fruitagucci:** stop it

 **fruitagucci:** yall are making me miss moniwa :’(

**teradshima:** hes not dead dude he just quit volleyball

**mooshijima:** Bold of you to assume that isn’t tantamount to death

**aobajousaiace:** tbh he’s got a point there

**teradshima:** F to moniwa

**minimaleffort** : f

**yourangleoryuordevil:** f

**kiwinishi:** f

**lilyama:** f

**fruitagucci:** let us not speak of him he has still PASSED ON

 **fruitagucci:** fuck i’m tearing up!!!!

**teradshima:** stay strong. he wouldnt have wanted u to grieve like this

**fruitagucci:** :’( ur right

**Akaashi_K:** Fantastic

 **Akaashi_K:** The second batch has arrived

 **Akaashi_K:** We are missing but a few now

 **Akaashi_K:** Then we shall begin the ritual

**foxyyboi:** now just hold on there a moment, psycho

**oikawahahaha:** wtf is the ritual

**kuguri_:** sounds like a lot of effort tbh

 **kuguri_:** must we

**kiwinishi:** tea

**WisdomOfTheAce:** i shouldve put a stop to this madness

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** figured out how to get kuroo myself

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Mm. Then I could have had a nice, calm Saturday morning with Rintarou

**teradshima:** u guys sound so cute i wish i had a bf

**fruitagucci:** i thought u were straight?

**teradshima:** actually im running for both teams my brother but my recent experiences with girls havent been too great so maybe ill take a break from that

**fruitagucci:** fair enough fair enough

**ssssuguru:** girls are messy i must agree

**kuguri_:** you literally have a girlfriend daishou

**minimaleffort:** here we observe a rare endangered species

 **minimaleffort:** few and far between, as well as elusive

 **minimaleffort:** the Volleyballus Playerus Heterosexualus

**ssssuguru:** yeah straight pride

**puddign_haed:** pfft daishou didn’t you have a crush on kuro for like all of your first year

**ssssuguru:** I DID NOT.

 **ssssuguru:** THESE ARE LIES.

 **ssssuguru:** he is mine MORTAL ENEMY

 **ssssuguru:** i dream of SLITHERING INTO HIS HOUSE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, KNIFE IN HAND

**puddign_haed:** what, y’all going to eat some chocolate cake together or something

**ssssuguru:** come on, you know he prefers vanilla

 **ssssuguru:** wait

**kuguri_:** any last words daishou

**ssssuguru:** i’m sorry i need to do something very very important for mika

 **ssssuguru:** BE BACK NEVER.

**kiwinishi:** fantastic. what even was the point of this again

**Akaashi_K:** Goodness, Kawanishi-kun, thank you for reminding me

 **Akaashi_K:** Seeing as Bokuto-san is still fairly in shock from this chat being created and a major emotional secret being spilled,

 **Akaashi_K:** Why don't we move on to the second point

 **Akaashi_K:** We could all use some more social interaction

 **Akaashi_K:** Let us get to know each other better

**lilyama:** see i tell tsukki this all the time.. hes got no damn friends except for like, me

 **lilyama:** hmm. maybe kuroo too idk whats going on w that fucker

**sugUwUra:** yamaguchi tadashi, what have i said about using that word

**noshit_chikara:** listen to your mother

**lilyama:** ur name is litcherally noshit i refuse to listen to this bs

**fruitagucci:** woah woah u kiss ur mother with that mouth??

**lilyama:** no

 **lilyama:** i have better things to use it for

**teradshima:** nice

**fruitagucci:** i cannot believe

 **fruitagucci:** i thought u were the shyest, most vanilla first year at karasuno

**lilyama:** lmao no???? tsukki would be choking rn if he heard u say that

**settersrc00l:** unfortunately i can confirm this

**sugUwUra:** i will be having a severe conversation with the two of you on monday

**noshit_chikara:** suga it’s not as if we don’t know about what you and daichi get up to either

**sugUwUra:** yeah but

 **sugUwUra:** okay

 **sugUwUra:** i admit you got me at a loss for comebacks

**kiwinishi:** nowhere near as bad as tendou and ushijima

 **kiwinishi:** *shudder*

**yourangleoryuordevil:** u called ~~

**mooshijima:** Just so you all know, Tendou has the voyeurism kink, not me

**settersrc00l:** what the fuck.

**aobajousaiace:** ushijima are you kidding me right now

**yourangleotyuordevil:** he is not!!!!

**kiwinishi:** you understand my crisis now

**kuguri_:** i am begging god to wipe that statement from our memories

**Akaashi_K:** I can’t allow you to delete texts.

 **Akaashi_K:** All must be preserved for future generations

**fruitagucci:** there wont BE any future generations bc i cannot unthink what has been thought because of this and it is burning me from the inside out

**puddign_haed:** could you at least delete me from existence

**sugUwUra:** ushijima please don't corrupt my kouhai further

**foxyyboi:** oh please they can afford a little corruption

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Atsumu I swear to God

**mooshijima:** I fail to see the problem with discussing this?

**kiwinishi:** yeah so newsflash.. i hate my life

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** I made the mistake of coming back here, and am now traumatized!

**Akaashi_K:** Guess we can do introductions another time!

 **Akaashi_K:** (When you are all a little less scarred)

**oikawahahaha:** well i am still and will always be mad at ushiwaka for having a bf, no matter how weird or horrifying either of them may be when an angel like me cant even get a one night stand

**yourangleoryuordevil:** wow ok

**oikawahahaha:** dont talk to me

**yourangleoryuordevil:** bitch

**oikawahahaha:** honey i know

 **oikawahahaha:** and iwachan~~~

 **oikawahahaha:** why won’t you love me

**aobajousaiace:** it's cause you're a piece of shit

**minimaleffort:** ohhhhhhh


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **yeah nope:** in front of my salad are you kidding me bitch DISGOSTANG
> 
>  **endlessly suffering:** y'all really make me want to h u r l
> 
>  **kindaichii:** kunimi !!! don’t be so rude
> 
>  **yourangleoryuordevil:** yeah ur such a prude kawanishi no wonder youve never gotten laid
> 
>  **kiwinishi:** it’s cause i’m fucking aroace you overgrown assmushroom
> 
>  **yuuji’s bitch:** ohhhhhh
> 
>  **kenji’s hoe:** damnnnn
> 
> _[ mooshijima has changed yourangleoryuordevil’s name to overgrown assmushroom ]_
> 
> **overgrown assmushroom:** wakATOSHI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao... We on corona lockdown now, boys! Updates will probably be Tuesdays and Fridays from now on because unfortunately I still have online courses :(
> 
> (But if I feel up to it, it might even be THREE times a week!)

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ alright u fuckers we r here to get bo kuroos ass _

[4:41 pm]

**Akaashi_K:** I think we’ve all had a sufficient amount of time to calm down.

**Akaashi_K:** Shall we begin the introductions?

**Akaashi_K:** My name is Akaashi Keiji, I’m in second year, and I play setter at Fukurodani Academy

**Akaashi_K:** A random fact about me is that I once had a nose piercing, but Coach made me take it out because it was ‘dangerous’ on a volleyball court.

**fruitagucci:** wait i think i’ve heard of you

**fruitagucci:** are you that uber pretty dude w the black hair and green-blue eyes

**puddign_haed:** yeah thats him

**puddign_haed:** they arent pretty eyes tho he looks like a shark

**Akaashi_K:** That pleases me. Do elaborate

**puddign_haed:** just as deathly and soulless :)

**Akaashi_K:** : )

_ [  _ _ Akaashi_K _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ Shark _ _ ] _

**puddign_haed:** anytime

**puddign_haed:** i can go next, im kozume kenma, 2nd year, setter at nekoma

**puddign_haed:** interesting fact is that Leg and Mohawk are so fucking annoying im really boutta commit a homicide

**lilyama:** i feel u

**lilyama:** yamaguchi tadashi, 1st year, pinch server @karasuno

**lilyama:** uh i love big hero 6!!

**fruitagucci:** futakuchi kenji, 2nd year captain + ace of date tech high school

**fruitagucci:** dyk that terushima is cute and awesome and i love him. interesting fact

**teradshima:** awwww dude

**kiwinishi:** gross

**fruitagucci:** fuck off shittytorizawa

**teradshima:** aight so: terushima yuuji and i am the captain of jouzenji

**teradshima:** cool fact is we got the BEST PARTIES

**fruitagucci:** yeah hang out w the jouzenji crew for some fucking lit times

**teradshima:** oh yeah kenji i forgot

**teradshima:** movie @ my house tn?? BRING UR OWN BOOZE

**sugUwUra:** EXCUSE ME. YOU ARE SECOND YEARS YOU MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT BE DRINKING

**fruitagucci:** tis an inside joke ms. crow mom

**fruitagucci:** means i gotta bring my own lemonade bc this dipshit only ever buys CRANBERRY JUICE and it is FUCKING DISGUSTING

**teradshima:** yeah but u love my company so ;)

**fruitagucci:** that i do, yuuji ;)

**teradshima:** it’s gonna be iron man 1 & 2 back to back mkay

**fruitagucci:** ur such a nerd ily

**minimaleffort:** are you two dating

**minimaleffort:** regardless i am going 2 puke

**fruitagucci:** wow ok fuck you

**fruitagucci:** nah we aren't

**terashima:** just bros being hoes yknow

**aobajousaiace:** god damn it’s hanamaki and matsukawa all over again

**aobajousaiace:** iwaizumi hajime, 3rd year ace and vice captain of seijou

**aobajousaiace** : uh i don’t really have any interesting facts so

**oikawahahaha:** OOH MY TURN

**oikawahahaha:** yoohoo~~ oikawa tooru here, 3rd year setter and captain of seijoh

**oikawahahaha:** fun fact about me: well actually u already know but i smoke all yall bitches when it comes to looks

**kindaichii:** we already know that, i’m sure there are lots of other interesting things about you too!

**minimaleffort:** yeah keep telling yourself that

**oikawahahaha:** anyways kindaichi is now officially my fav kouhai

**minimaleffort:** i never really gave a shit in the first place so weewoo congrats kindaichi

**settersrc00l:** i stopped caring about oikawa after he tried to punch me when i was in middle school

**settersrc00l:** i was 12

**settersrc00l:** it has never left me.....

**sugUwUra:** hey oikawa??

 **sugUwUra:** you ready to square the fuck UP?

**oikawahahaha:** oh my god tobiochan get over it

**sugUwUra:** I AM GOING TO VERTICALLY REALIGN YOUR GODDAMN NOSE TIL YOU LOOK LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING UNICORN

**oikawahaha:** such violent thoughts...... my my

 **oikawahaha:** a) go cry to your therapist tobio b) mr refreshing: i take back the 'refreshing', c) ennyways @aobajousaiace WILL PROTECT ME

**aobajousaiace:** i'm more interested in seeing your vertically realigned nose

**oikawahahaha:** that's so fucking rude!! where do i have to go to get some respect around here?

**mooshijima:** He is a very skilled volleyball player with high respect for his teammates, with strong offensive setting, powerful serves, and good tactical thinking, so I would say we can overlook the bitch thing slightly.

**aobajousaiace:** shittykawa you haven't deserved respect since elementary school

**oikawahahaha:** iwachan that kind of hurts :(

**settersrc00l:** and of course he ignores ushiwaka’s compliment

**Shark:** Can we at least get the introductions done before descending into chaos

**mooshijima:** You may be asking too much of us.

**mooshijima:** Anyways, I am Ushijima Wakatoshi, 3rd year captain and spiker of Shiratorizawa Academy.

**mooshijima:** Did you know that apples are 25% air and that is why they float on water

**yourangleoryuordevil:** tendou satori, guess monster, blocker n all-around cool dude from shiratorizawa

**yourangleoryuordevil:** fun fact: wakatoshi is the epitome of the word daddy ;)

**kiwinishi:** i hate my seniors and everything they stand for 

**minimaleffort:** i relate and i pity you

**kuguri_:** damn miyagi sounds ghetto as hell, so glad i live in tokyo

**kuguri_:** i’m kuguri and i play first year spiker at nohebi academy

**minimaleffort:** i do like ur hair

**kuguri_:** thanks?

**kiwinishi:** lmao why though

**kuguri_:** ouch okay

**minimaleffort:** it just looks so fun yknow

**minimaleffort:** i like ur hair too kawanishi

**kiwinishi:** again. why

**minimaleffort:** my hair's flat as fuck ok let me admire the volume

**minimaleffort:** dont worry. ur both pretty cute but yall ain’t my type

**kiwinishi:** .. thanks

**kuguri_:** thanks too?

**oikawahahaha:** ur fuckin gay kunimi

**minimaleffort:** like iwaizumi-san said i learned it from u

**oikawhahaha:** suck my god damn toes kunimi

_[_ _minimaleffort_ _has changed his name to_ _yeah nope_ _]_

**oikawahahaha:** THEYRE A-GRADE TOES U ASSWIPE

**Shark:** I am going to derail this right now because I promise you, no one wants to hear about your toes, Oikawa

**oikawahahaha:** ur all missing out

**aobajousaiace:** we really aren't

**Shark:** Moving on... Why don't we all change our names to lighten the mood?

**Shark:** In fact, I will make this our second rule: everyone has to have a stupid name.

**Shark:** Now, you can choose it yourself or I can do it for you.

_ [  _ _ kuguri_ _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ bedhead _ _ ] _

_ [  _ _ oikawahahaha _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ miyagi's most delishous feet _ _ ] _

_ [ aobajousaiace has changed miyagi's most delishous feet's name to stop right there or i'll hit you with my car tomorrow ] _

_ [ oikawahahaha has changed his name to nasa nerd ] _

**Shark:** Good

_ [  _ _ fruitagucci _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ yuuji’s bitch _ _ ] _

**teradshima:** nice one

_ [  _ _ teradshima _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ kenji’s hoe _ _ ] _

**yuuji’s bitch:** nice one

**aobajousaiace:** im having war flashbacks

**yeah nope:** me too and im not strong enough to go through this twice

_ [  _ _ nasa nerd _ _ has changed  _ _ aobajousaiace _ _ ’s name to  _ _ godzilla _ _ ] _

**Shark:** Bokuto-san

**Shark:** Where are you

**yuuji’s bitch:** yeah shouldnt u like... b around more often

**WisdomOfTheAce:** what? i just went shopping w kuroo for shoes

**WisdomOfTheAce:** we just got back

**kenji’s hoe:** awwww bokuto ur actually getting some

**WisdomOfTheAce:** hes too cute tho

**WisdomOfTheAce:** he talked abt neko atsume the entire time and bought his, like, fourth pair of vans

**nasa nerd:** pfft, eboy ass clown

**WisdomOfTheAce:** shut UP

**WisdomOfTheAce:** i feel like shit tho our friendship is rlly important to me and i rlly want to kiss him all the goddamn time but i dont wanna ruin what we have already for that ?

**WisdomOfTheAce:** :(

**settersrc00l:** yeah

**settersrc00l:** i know the feeling

**foxyyboi:** ohoho does tobio-kun have feelings for a certain someone

**nasa nerd:** does tobio-chan wanna kiss a special little chibi-chan

**settersrc00l:** fuck off, both of you

**sugUwUra:** kageyama, don’t use that sort of language please

**lilyama:** mom

**settersrc00l:** MOM

**yourangleoryuordevil:** DADDY

**mooshijima:** Yes?

**kiwinishi:** i hate my existence just delete me please

_ [  _ _ settersrc00l _ _ has changed  _ _ kiwinishi _ _ ’s name to  _ _ endlessly suffering _ _ ] _

**yeah nope:** in front of my salad are you kidding me bitch DISGOSTANG

**endlessly suffering:** y'all really make me want to h u r l

**kindaichii:** kunimi !!! don’t be so rude

**yourangleoryuordevil:** yeah ur such a prude kawanishi no wonder youve never gotten laid

**kiwinishi:** it’s cause i’m fucking aroace you overgrown assmushroom

**yuuji’s bitch:** ohhhhhh

**kenji’s hoe:** damnnnn

_ [  _ _ mooshijima _ _ has changed  _ _ yourangleoryuordevil _ _ ’s name to  _ _ overgrown assmushroom _ _ ] _

**overgrown assmushroom:** wakATOSHI

* * *

_ Direct Message:  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ and  _ _ yackie_chan _

[5:19 pm]

**Mikasa:** yaku

**Mikasa:** yaku

**Mikasa:** YAKU

**Molten:** calm ur tits

**Mikasa:** good you’re here

**Molten:** i swear if this is about bokuto again

**Mikasa:** anyways this is about bokuto again

**Molten:** can u like, talk to kai or somebody why it is always me

**Mikasa:** because i trust you

**Molten:** wow so u dont trust the rest of the team

**Mikasa:** I DIDNT SAY THAT

**Mikasa:** ITS JUST THAT YOURE EASY TO TALK TO AND WERE BROS

**Mikasa:** BUT IF YOU DONT APPRECIATE TAHT

**Molten:** ...

**Molten:** what happened now

**Mikasa:** he’s hanging out with akaashi

**Molten:** so

**Molten:** u went shopping with bokuto this morning

**Molten:** besides theyre best friends

**Mikasa:** it’s not that 

**Mikasa:** from what i’ve seen on akaashi’s snap story, he didn’t style his damn hair again today

**Mikasa:** HES GOT THE CUTEST FUCKIGN MESSY BANGS AND HES 

**Mikasa:** MUST HAVE JUST GOTTEN OUTTA THE SHOWER

**Mikasa:** DOES THE UNIVERSE WANT ME TO COMBUST

**Molten:** god i wish it did thatd make my life so much easier

**Mikasa:** SHUT UP!!!!

**Mikasa:** I CANT BE JEALOUS OF AKAASHI BC HES A CHILL DUDE N HES LITERALY BOS BEST FRIEND BUT

**Mikasa:** HES REALLY PRETTY AND SO IS BO AND I CANT HELP BUT THINK

**Mikasa:** THEYD JSUT MAKE THE PRETTIEST COUPLE N WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO GO OUT

**Molten:** bc of their ‘mutual prettiness’

**Mikasa:** EXACTLY

**Molten:** id say that the stupidest thing ive ever heard but since its coming from u

**Mikasa:** you know what. you’re right you’re no help at all

**Mikasa:** i’m making a groupchat

**Mikasa:** of helpful people WHO CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS

**Molten:** good u can leave me out of it

_ [  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ has created a new conversation ] _

_ [  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ has added  _ _ daichisawamura _ _ ,  _ _ INUOKA_SOU _ _ ,  _ _ KaiNobuyuki _ _ ,  _ _ littlegiant2.0 _ _ ,  _ _ NekomasAce11 _ _ ,  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ ,  _ _ punmaster _ _ ,  _ _ tackytora _ _ and  _ _ yackie_chan _ _ to the conversation] _

**yackie_chan:** kuroo i swear to god

**NekomasAce11:** hello yaku-san!!!

**yackie_chan:** why.

**punmaster:** huehuehuehue

**yackie_chan:** fukunaga

**yackie_chan:** go to ur room

**INUOKA_SOU:** YES HELLO I AM HERE

**littlegiant2.0:** HI INUOKA ITS ME!!

**INUOKA_SOU:** HI SHOUYOU!! YOU’RE HERE TOO?

**NekomasAce11:** HELLO HINATA!

**littlegiant2.0:** HI LEV!!!

**KaiNobuyuki:** Please stop yelling, children

**noitslikefirefly:** kuroo what the actual fuck is this

**tetsurhoe:** send help. i am gay

**daichisawamura:** yeah, so, nothing new

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass _

[6:26 pm]

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Sorry I’m late I was doing things

**SunaRatherThanLater:** I’m things

**SunaRatherThanLater:** Just kidding we were only out at the library

**lilyama:** tragic

**foxyyboi:** they wouldnt dare

**foxyyboi:** im in the house

**foxyyboi:** i make the rules and i declare it hereby illegal for my brother to even hold hands with suna within 100 meters of me

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Damn, then I deserve a life sentence

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Guess I’d better turn myself in to the police

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Rintarou you coming?

**SunaRatherThanLater:** Just a sec babe

_ [  _ _ SunaRatherThanLater _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ also gettin real tired of foxyyboi _ _ ] _

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** K let’s go

**endlessly suffering:** damn

**foxyyboi:** …

**foxyyboi:** osamu.

**foxyyboi:** what do u mean to tell me

**foxyyboi:** what have u and rintarou done IN MY PRESENCE EXCUSE ME W H A T

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** A lot if we’re being honest

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Well

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** We thought it’d be rude, you know

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** To kick you out of the house for something so trivial

**foxyyboi:** HWAT THE FCUK YUO DIDWH AT 

**foxyyboi:** I A M DISGUTEDS

**foxyyboi:** I 

**foxyyboi:** AJSAGDASIEEURBDDJA

**lilyama:** F, atsumu

**overgrown assmushroom:** yall know whOo else is gettin their respects paid tonight

**overgrown assmushroom:** me

**mooshijima:** Certainly

**endlessly suffering:** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

_ [  _ _ endlessly suffering _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**Shark:** What did I say

_ [  _ _ Shark _ _ has added  _ _ kiwinishi _ _ to the chat] _

**kiwinishi:** yeah getting your respects paid tonight because i'm going to fucking smother you both to death

**kiwinishi:** Th*rst is illegal, H*rnies have no rights, capital punishment will be dealt for Wh*re B*haviour

**foxyyboi:** CHEERS ILL DRINK TO THAT

_ [  _ _ Shark _ _ has changed  _ _ kiwinishi _ _ ’s name to thot destroyer _ _ ] _

**lilyama:** this is the worst motherfucking shithole of a groupchat i have ever had the pleasure to be added to

**lilyama:** and i fucking love it

**sugUwUra:** yamaguchi tadashi

**sugUwUra:** you are fucking GROUNDED for using such language

**noshit_chikara:** suga

**sugUwUra:** you shut your whore mouth ennoshita and let me finish this speech

**settersrc00l:** suga-san

**sugUwUra:** YOU TOO KAGEYAMA 

**sugUwUra:** never did i ever expect such behaviour from you

**sugUwUra:** i raised you to be better than this

**sugUwUra:** don’t disgrace our family again tadashi

**lilyama:** im sorry

**sugUwUra:** AM I UNDERSTOOD

**lilyama:** yes mother

**sugUwUra:** NOW GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND DON’T COME BACK FOR THE REST OF THE DAY

**sugUwUra:** i’m sorry everyone but i needed to discipline my boy

**sugUwUra:** oh daichi’s calling me, i have to go!!

**sugUwUra:** bye~~  (ノ◕◡◕)ノ・ﾟ✧*

**noshit_chikara:** …

**kenji’s hoe:** …

**foxyyboi:** …

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** …

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** ...

**yuuji’s bitch:** …

**bedhead:** …

**sasuke_kiyoomi:**...

**Shark:** …

**puddign_haed:** …

**settersrc00l:** ...

**thot destroyer:** …

**overgrown assmushroom:** … yikes

**mooshijima:** Did we all come online to watch Yamaguchi get told off?

**WisdomOfTheAce:** yes

**kindaichii:** oikawa-san i’m scared

**nasa nerd:** me too iwachan will u hold me

**godzilla:** no

**yeah nope:** rest in pieces oikawa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any other Inarizaki fans still shaking after the PV yesterday? Y'all... they really are getting animated... I can't believe it's been 3 years of starving and we're finally getting fed
> 
> Did I purchase all the tankobon volumes of the match to read while waiting for Episode 13? Perhaps, but that's a secret I'll never tell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **yackie_chan:** fukunaga shouhei go to ur room right this second or so help me
> 
>  **NekomasAce11:** AWW YAKU-SENPAI REALLY IS A MOM!!  
>  **NekomasAce11:** ITS OK YOU ARE JUST AS SHORT AS MY REAL MOTHER :))))
> 
>  **yackie_chan:** LEEEEEEEV
> 
>  **tetsurhoe:** *kill bill siren*
> 
>  **tackytora:** lev get ready to be fucked uppp
> 
>  **KaiNobuyuki:** R.I.P. Haiba Lev 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole chapter was me pointing a finger at myself in the mirror and reminding myself I'm not funny.
> 
> Haruichi Furudate said emo rights when they canonized Semi Eita as [redacted for spoilers.]
> 
> (Seriously, boys, if you aren't reading the manga, what's up?)

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ daichisawamura _ _ ,  _ _ INUOKA_SOU _ _ ,  _ _ KaiNobuyuki _ _ ,  _ _ littlegiant2.0 _ _ ,  _ _ NekomasAce11 _ _ ,  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ ,  _ _ punmaster _ _ ,  _ _ tackytora _ _ ,  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ and  _ _ yackie_chan _

[9:48 pm]

**daichisawamura** : we are gathered here on this fateful day

**daichisawamura:** to help our dear nuisance, kuroo tetsurou

**daichisawamura:** get a certain owlish someone to be his boyfriend

**noitslikefirefly:** this totally wont go down in flames or anything

**daichisawamura:** ^ good point.

**daichisawamura:** we are gathered here today to help kuroo keep it in his pants

**tetsurhoe:** yeah yeah fuck you

**tetsurhoe:** i can keep my thirst under control very well thanks

**daichisawamura:** your name is literally tetsurhoe son

**tackytora:** son

_ [  _ _ KaiNobuyuki _ _ has changed  _ _ daichisawamura _ _ ’s name to  _ _ the dad friend _ _ ] _

**INUOKA_SOU:** KUROO WHAT DOES ‘KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS’ MEAN

**the dad friend:** kuroo no

**tetsurhoe:** i wanna date bokuto, inouka

**tetsurhoe:** and then

**the dad friend:** let me stop you right there!

**tetsurhoe:** god ur so boring daichi

**noitslikefirefly:** and ur gayyyyyy :)

**tetsurhoe:** u literally have a boyfriend :)

**yackie_chan:** kuroo stop corrupting ur juniors

**INOUKA_SOU:** OH OKAY EWWW

**NekomasAce11:** GROSS GROSS KUROO-SAN WHY WOULD YOU TELL US THIS

**the dad friend:** honestly kuroo you’re such an irresponsible captain

**the dad friend:** your job is to maintain the innocence of your children

**tackytora:** children

**noitslikefirefly:** wow excellent work dadchi

**the dad friend:** i meant underclassmen okay CHILL

**the dad friend:** you were already Like That, tsukishima, that ain’t my fault

**noitslikefirefly:** hm

**littlegiant2.0:** TSUKISHIMA I AM CHOOSING TO IGNORE THAT

**littlegiant2.0** : BUT DAICHI-SAN I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR SON

**littlegiant2.0:** SUGA-SAN SAID THAT YOU TWO WERE MY PARENTS :(((( 

**punmaster:** daichi what do u have to say for urself

**the dad friend:** okay yeah i admit it

**the dad friend:** but at least

**the dad friend:** my children are growing up with two responsible parents

**tackytora:** WHOOOOOOT DAICHI

**yackie_chan:** yep being the only responsible parent is indeed a great and terrible burden

**tetsurhoe:** STOP IT I JSUT WANT TO GET LAID OKAY

**noitslikefirely:** well no shit of course i thought this that existed to debate the existence of the chupacabra

**tetsurhoe:** SHUT UP TSUKKI

**littlegiant2.0:** KUROO-SAN WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THAT !!

**noitslikefirefly:** how are you a high schooler

**noitslikefirefly:** wait you dont even look like one either

**littlegiant2.0:** SHUT UP TSUKKI

**INOUKA_SOU:** I’M SORRY SHOUYOU THIS NEVER HAPPENS ON MY TEAM USUALLY

**NekomasAce11:** WHAT DOES GETTING LAID MEAN

**the dad friend:** sigh

 **the dad friend:** when two people love each other very much

**yackie_chan:** or in kuroos case are just dumb insatiable horndogs

**tetsurhoe:** why do yall have to do me like this i swear

**NekomasAce11:** oh I GET IT NOW THANK YOU !!

**NekomasAce11:** wait actUALLY NO THANK YOU THAT WAS TOO MUCH INFORMATION

**tackytora:** i swear i wasn’t this yell-y when i was a first year

**tackytora:** or this much of a prude

**punmaster:** um yes you were

**tackytora:** which part

**yackie_chan:** n the answer is yes

**tetsurhoe:** yes

**tetsurhoe:** yes both

**tackytora:** no i wasn’t

**KaiNobuyuki:** Hello Senior #3 is here to confirm that, yes, indeed, the answer is both

**yackie_chan:** god parenting you sucked

**tackytora:** ok mom

**yackie_chan:** tough for u son

**NekomasAce11:** WAIT DOES THAT MEAN YAKU IS ALSO MY MOM

**yackie_chan:** um

**punmaster:** not gonna say it

**yackie_chan:** fukunaga shouhei go to ur room right this second or so help me

**NekomasAce11:** AWW YAKU-SENPAI REALLY IS A MOM!!

**NekomasAce11:** ITS OK YOU ARE JUST AS SHORT AS MY REAL MOTHER :))))

**yackie_chan:** LEEEEEEEV

**tetsurhoe:** *kill bill siren*

**tackytora:** lev get ready to be fucked uppp

**KaiNobuyuki:** R.I.P. Haiba Lev 2020

_ [  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ has changed  _ _ yackie_chan _ _ ’s name to  _ _ knifecat.jpg _ _ ] _

_ [  _ _ tackytora _ _ has changed  _ _ NekomasAce11 _ _ ’s name to _ _ tall stupid and deceased _ _ ] _

**tetsurhoe:** well

**tetsurhoe:** none of us can say we didnt see that coming

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass _

[ 10:14 pm]

**bedhead:** dont worry its g

**bedhead:** oh ignore that wrong chat

**kenji’s hoe:** g?

**bedhead:** what?

**yuuji’s bitch:** as in

**kenji’s hoe:** g note

**bedhead:** wait no

**thot destroyer:** oh no here we go again

**yuuji’s bitch:** WHEEEEEN I WAS

**kenji’s hoe:** A YOUNG BOY

**yeah nope:** i thought i had escaped it fucks sake

**yuuji’s bitch:** MY FATHER

**kenji’s hoe:** TOOK MEEEEE INTO THE CITY

**sugUwUra:** ALRIGHT SHUT THE FUCK UP

**yuuji’s bitch:** yessir

**kenji’s hoe:** what my bitch said

**yuuji’s bitch:** we’ll carry on... another time

**sugUwUra:** good

_ [  _ _ Shark _ _ has changed  _ _ sugUwUra _ _ ’s name to  _ _ emo slayer _ _ ] _

**emo slayer:** thank you :)

**kindaichii:** um i don’t get it?

**thot destroyer:** its from like the most emo song ever

**overgrown assmushroom:** eita has it on repeat all the fuckin time

**mooshijima:** …

**mooshijima:** ♬ TO SEE A MARCHING BAND ♬

**overgrown assmushroom:** WAKATOSHI

**mooshijima:** I’m sorry

**mooshijima:** They didn’t finish the line

**thot destroyer:** i already have one scene senpai i don’t need my captain to be as well

**noshit_chikara:** … scenepai?

**thot destroyer:** fuck you

**noshit_chikara:** i am sorry

**mooshijima:** Speaking of Semi

**thot destroyer:** HELL NO

_ [ _ _ mooshijima _ _ has added  _ _ snemismeita _ _ to the conversation] _

**thot destroyer:** i am taking a break see you all tomorrow if ever again

**nasa nerd:** rude

**snemismeita:** evening gentlemen

**snemismeita:** the fuck’s this

**mooshijima:** It’s a group chat created to aid Bokuto Koutarou in his quest to win Kuroo Tetsurou’s heart

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ^ that i didnt consent to

**snemismeita:** … aight

**snemismeita:** sounds very romantic and all but who the fuck are you people

**snemismeita:** why me

**bedhead:** some dudes were singing welcome to the black parade and apparently that reminded ushijima of you

**snemismeita:** oh

**snemismeita:** MCR

**snemismeita:** MY LOVES

**snemismeita:** AT LAST THEY HAVE REUNITED

**snemismeita:** WHEN I WAS

**Shark:** Okay, you can cut it off there

**Shark:** We already went through this once today

**snemismeita:** WHO ART THOU, MY BRETHREN

**yuuji’s bitch:** me

**kenji’s hoe:** also

**snemismeita:** huh

**snemismeita:** wouldn’ta guessed

**chikara_karasuno:** are you kidding futakuchi has the most emo bangs i have ever had the displeasure of setting my eyes on

**yuuji’s bitch:** wow…. words can hurt

**snemismeita:** true there

**snemismeita:** i was gettin a basic fuckboy vibe from terushima tho

**snemismeita:** like eboy if you were being generous

**snemismeita:** but not facially symmetrical enough

**kenji’s hoe:** HEY

**kenji’s hoe:** WE TOLD YOU WORDS CAN HURT

**yuuji’s bitch:** sorry honey but u do kinda project

**kenji’s hoe:** its the tongue piercing :(

**yuuji’s bitch:** don’t worry dude its rlly fuckin hot

**yuuji’s bitch:** like i bet its great for kissing

**kenji’s hoe:** dunno i haven’t kissed anyone since i got pierced 

**yuuji’s bitch:** my parents aren’t home why doncha come on over then darling

**kenji’s hoe:** already on my way sweetcheeks

**kenji’s hoe:** gotta warn you though i’m in the mood for a little more than just kissing ;)

**yuuji’s bitch:** what a coincidence so am i ;)

**yeah nope:** ew

**kenji’s hoe:** alright i shall bring snow white and cinderella if you bring sleeping beauty time for a classics + cuddling night

**yuuji's bitch:** sounds great i'll seeya there

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Hey Rintarou

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Do you wanna Disney marathon with me as well?

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** No obviously

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** You know it’s classic Dreamworks for the win

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** But yeah, sure

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Great! I’ll be at your place in fifteen

**foxyyboi:** i fucking hate you two and your perfect domestic relationship and how you can confide in each other so well and your cuddling and kissing and dates and the way you two are somehow more complete together and your adorable instagram posts and your inside jokes ITS ABSOLUTELY SICKENING

**bedhead:** well somebody’s single

**foxyyboi:** yeah thats because love isnt real

**foxyyboi:** if it was id have been married already!!! who can resist this face

**nasa nerd:** somebody understands!!!!!

**godzilla:** i’m choosing to ignore that

**godzilla:** and speaking of futakuchi and terushima, oikawa, can you phone makki and mattsun and just, like,

**godzilla:** make sure they haven’t died or something

**yeah nope:** please oikawa i’m getting the vibes from them too

**nasa nerd:** i did already unfortunately they are still alive and kicking so now we got two sets of em

**kindaichii:** oh no

**snemismeita:** fucking rip babes

**overgrown assmushroom:** mmm waaaaaakatoshi

**overgrown assmushroom:** can we go on a date :(

**mooshijima:** Aren’t you at your cousin’s birthday dinner?

**overgrown assmushroom:** i have run away the kids are scared of me

**snemismeita:** (shocker)

**overgrown assmushroom:** shut your face

**mooshijima:** That’s too bad :(

**mooshijima:** I’ll be back from my run in 10 minutes so I’ll see you then

**nasa nerd:** I HATE AND DESPISE PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS 

**foxyyboi:** ME TOO

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Exactly

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** God it’s so unsanitary

**snemismeita:** weird observation sasuke but i vibe with it

**WisdomOfTheAce:** unsingle people could yall not

**beauty and grace:** well i'm sorry my very existence annoys you bokuto

**mooshijima:** But if this chat works out,

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** you'll be one of us

**overgrown assmushroom:** sooooon

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Sooooon

**sugUwUra:** soooooooon

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ...

**WisdomOfTheAce:** im not really sure if thats inspirational or creepy

**Shark:** In my opinion, it's always healthy to be both!

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ daichisawamura _ _ ,  _ _ INUOKA_SOU _ _ ,  _ _ KaiNobuyuki _ _ ,  _ _ littlegiant2.0 _ _ ,  _ _ NekomasAce11 _ _ ,  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ ,  _ _ punmaster _ _ ,  _ _ tackytora _ _ ,  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ and  _ _ yackie_chan _

[ 10:36 pm]

**tetsurhoe:** i thibk we need a name

_ [  _ _ punmaster _ _ has named the conversation  _ _ the land where the bong trees grow _ _ ] _

**tackytora:** wtf does that mean

**punmaster:** kuroo's a pothead :(

**tetsurhoe:** thats fucking slander it was ONE TIME

**noitslikefirefly:** its a classic poetry line you dingus

**tackytora:** i'm sorry do you want to say that to my face

**noitslikefirefly:** i'm 190cm you sure

**tackytora:** time and place bitch

**noitslikefirefly:** can’t be bothered sorry

**punmaster:** .. it's edward lear

**punmaster:** a line from 'the owl and the pussycat'

**tetsurhoe:** damn fukunaga thats kind of lit

**punmaster:** yeah

**punmaster:** literature

**tetsurhoe:** i take it back

**punmaster:** :(

**tackytora:** hey if this is a team chat where are kenma and shibayama

**knifecat.jpg:** DONT U DARE CORRUPT MY PRECIOUS BABY LIBERO

**tetsurhoe:** i dont

**tetsurhoe:** like

**tetsurhoe:** … trust.. kenma with this

**tetsurhoe:** exactly..

**tetsurhoe:** ?!

**tackytora:** but he’s your best friend ?

**tetsurhoe:** yeah but hes like super tight w akaashi 

**the dad friend:** so is tsukishima though?

**noitslikefirefly:** i’m here bc i actually have a boyfriend and can be used as a spy on bokuto

**noitslikefirefly:** at least i figure that’s kuroo’s logic

**noitslikefirefly:** not that he has any

**tetsurhoe:** yeah fuck you but it is something like that

**tackytora:** … kinda hard to spy from miyagi

**noitslikefirefly:** exactly

**tetsurhoe:** wait

**tetsurhoe:** goddammit!

**noitslikefirefly:** glad to see you havent gained any more brain cells since the last time we met

**noitslikefirefly:** id be scared that you had brain cancer

**the dad friend:** we really are thankful that isn’t the case

**the dad friend:** i couldn't be bothered to visit your deathbed

**tetsurhoe:** anyone give either of yall a good pounding lately

**noitslikefirefly:** yes

**noitslikefirefly:** so again that puts me above you

**tetsurhoe** : i meant like a fist to the face oh my god! u disgust me

**tetsurhoe:** ANYWAY

_ [  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ has added  _ _ idfkonoha _ _ to the conversation ] _

**idfkonoha:** damn i thought i was going to get some sleep tonight

**idfkonoha:** whats the problem boys

**tackytora:** my captain’s thirsting after your captain

**idfkonoha:** yeah what’s new

**noitslikefirefly:** you have just replaced me as kuroo’s inside man

**idfkonoha:** i'd rather not

**tetsurhoe:** you will observe his actions and report back to me

**tetsurhoe:** feed me information abt his love life

**tetsurhoe:** AND feed him stuff that will make him fall in love w me

**idfkonoha:** are you like 6

**knifecat.jpg:** yes

**tackytora:** yup

**noitslikefirefly:** definitely

**the dad friend:** now now i’m sure you were in a situation like this once tsukishima

**the dad friend:** i know i was before i finally asked koushi out

**noitslikefirefly:** yamaguchi just asked me if i wanted to go out with him and i said yeah and that was like

**noitslikefirefly:** it

**tetsurhoe:** not all of us can be u tsukki :)

**noitslikefirefly:** didn’t i ask you to stop calling me that :)

**littlegiant2.0:** WHY ARE YOU USING A HAPPY FACE TO BE ANGRY AT EACH OTHER?!?

**littlegiant2.0:** IT’S RUINING HAPPY FACES FOR ME

**INUOKA_SOU:** I AGREE WITH SHOUYOU

**idfkonoha:** … kuroo

**idfkonoha:** you know that bokuto has the hugest stupidest most fucking obvious crush on you right

**noitslikefirefly:** yeah kuroo i can’t believe you didn’t pick up on it

**knifecat.jpg:** ur an idiot kuroo

**tetsurhoe:** I AM ONCE AGAIN ASKING YOU TO STOP TAKING THE PISS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am officially stuck inside. I have started online courses. They feel weird. This chapter is the product of existing in a timeless limbo and not knowing what the hell I am doing with myself. Things will start to "go places" with the next update.
> 
> Yes, I still listen to MCR. Yes, I'm self-aware enough to feel bad about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **yuuji's bitch:** ah. reminds me of our good ol days in first year eh yuuji
> 
>  **kenji's hoe:** glad we settles our differences bro  
>  **kenji's hoe:** what kinda life would i be living without you
> 
>  **yuuji's bitch:** bro....
> 
>  **Shirabooty:** are you joking terushima and futakuchi are here too
> 
>  **yuuji's bitch:** wow i'm offended
> 
>  **kenji's hoe:** i thought we were buds.... shirabro.... please
> 
>  **Shirabooty:** i will fill your shoes with toothpaste if you ever fuckng talk to me again
> 
>  **kenji's hoe:** mint flavour please!! grape is NASTY
> 
>  **Shirabooty:** can i PLEASE leave
> 
>  **Shark:** You cannot!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never made a "Tik Tok" in my life, but I hear it is all the rage with the kids these days :)

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[8:15 am]

**WisdomOfTheAce:** yamaguchi GET UR BITCH

**lilyama:** bruh excuse me?

**WisdomOfTheAce:** everytime kuroos online and i try texting him he says hes talking to tsukki!!

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** can u blease steal his phone

**lilyama:** wait HOLD THE DUCKIE UP IS THAT SCHIST-EATING SON OF A BUILDER AFTER MY MAN

 **lilyama:** IS THERE SOMETHING GOING ON THERE I WAS NOT NOTIFIED ABOUT

**Shark:** Not as far as I know

 **Shark:** And I know a lot

**puddign_haed:** relax kiddo theyre having fun bitchin

 **puddign_haed:** kuro does it to get out of homework so maybe you should actually tell tsukki to call it quits i dont want kuro to fail school

**WisdomOfTheAce:** hes too smart for that

**lilyama:** according to tsukki thats definitely debatable

**WisdomOfTheAce:** according to me tsukkis lifespan is debatable

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** ANYWAY he could talk to ME

**puddign_haed:** well u see there are reasons he doesnt

**WisdomOfTheAce:** waIT DOES HE KNOW

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** DID HE FIND OUT

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** WHICH ONE FO YOU FUCKERS LEAKED THE MEMO IM GOIGN TO SPIKE A BALL INTO UR FACE AND SNAP UR NECK KILLING U INSTANTLY

**puddign_haed:** oh please do

**Shark:** Why are you all such morons

 **Shark:** Calm down, Bokuto-san, he doesn’t know

 **Shark:** (If he knew all our lives would be that much easier)

**foxyyboi:** why is no one talking abt “hold the duckie up”

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Or “schist-eating”

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** “Son of a builder”

**sugUwUra:** i had a very stern talking-to with yamaguchi

**mooshijima:** We can see that.

**lilyama:** bokuto i WILL get my man but if u threaten his life again they wont find ur skeleton for two thousand years got it

 **lilyama:** and the rest of you stop making fun of my predicament y’all flipflopping rustbuckets

**snemismeita:** oh i’m so offended!!!1!!11!

**lilyama:** shut it u emo grassgobber

 **lilyama:** eboy ass wannabe

 **lilyama:** i bet u eat chains in ur cereal

**snemismeita:** oh you have done it now fuckwad :))))))

 **snemismeita:** god the AUDACITY

 **snemismeita:** so help me pete wentz,

_[_ _overgrown assmushroom_ _has changed_ _snemismeita_ _’s name to_ _helena_ _]_

**overgrown assmushroom:** calm down my darling u couldnt be an eboy if u tried

 **overgrown assmushroom:** ur music taste is too good for that

**helena:** sigh

 **helena:** you do know me well, assmushroom

**overgrown assmushroom:** you know what this name is growing on me

 **overgrown assmushroom:** i may not know u anymore but what is learned will never b lost :’)

**yeah nope:** that statement is too tender to be legal

**mooshijima:** Well, they used to be an item

**foxyyboi:** wait really

**overgrown assmushroom:** we were better suited to be friends anyway

**helena:** besides lmao ushijimas probably a loads better bf than i ever was

**nasa nerd:** that aint saying much

**helena:** oh my god bro shut up

**bedhead:** what even happened between ushijima and oikawa anyway

**foxyyboi:** .. also secret exes?

**nasa nerd:** YEUCH NO

 **nasa nerd:** he wanted me to go to his school and i did no such thing bc we are from RIVAL TEAMS

**mooshijima:** The point still stands that you were a setter of a higher caliber than Semi or Shirabu

**helena:** EX FUCKING SCUSE ME

**overgrown assmushroom:** dude u got replaced by shirabu in third year

**helena:** well shirabus good ig but he is a fucking prick and i hate him

**thot destroyer:** oh please can i add shirabu to this i cant survive our third years on my own

**mooshijima:** Is that wise

**overgrown assmushroom:** honey no

**helena:** SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR UNIVERSALLY DECLARED HUMAN RIGHTS, KAWANISHI

**thot destroyer:** ok

 **thot destroyer:** bye bye

**helena:** HHHHHHNNNNNNNKKKKKKKSS

_[_ _thot destroyer_ _has added_ _Shirabooty_ _to the conversation ]_

**lilyama:** Shirabooty? wow pfft

**Shirabooty:** first of all: fuck off

 **Shirabooty:** second: who are you

 **Shirabooty:** third: kawanishi what’s good

**helena:** nothing much i am on my way to murder him

**Shirabooty:** uh oh! anyone going to tell me why that deformed thing is here

**helena:** look who's talking

**yeah nope:** is there some kind of problem

**Shirabooty:** well it's him not me

**helena:** i wish i gave enough fucks to waste my data sending you a picture of me giving you the finger but damn! i really don't

**Shirabooty:** this is rude i am leaving 

_[_ _Shirabooty_ _has left the conversation ]_

**Shark:** What did I say

_[_ _Shark_ _has added_ _Shirabooty_ _to the conversation ]_

**Shark:** Nobody leaves

**Shirabooty:** hey man fuck you

**helena:** hate you too!

**kenji's hoe:** dare i say

**yuuji's bitch:** sexual tension?

**Shirabooty:** say that again i’m in the mood to cut a bitch

**helena:** look he's got a nice ass but pity it's attached to such a shit face :)

**Shirabooty:** well he's got a nice face pity it's attached to such a shit personality :)

**yuuji's bitch:** ah. reminds me of our good ol days in first year eh yuuji

**kenji's hoe:** glad we settles our differences bro

 **kenji's hoe:** what kinda life would i be living without you

**yuuji's bitch:** bro....

**Shirabooty:** are you joking terushima and futakuchi are here too

**yuuji's bitch:** wow i'm offended

**kenji's hoe:** i thought we were buds.... shirabro.... please

**Shirabooty:** i will fill your shoes with toothpaste if you ever fuckng talk to me again

**kenji's hoe:** mint flavour please!! grape is NASTY

**Shirabooty:** can i PLEASE leave

**Shark:** You cannot!

**noshit_chikara:** just disable notifs and only come on occasionally like i do

**Shirabooty:** kill me

**thot destroyer:** look at least you weren't here while ushijima and tendou were talking about their sex life

**Shirabooty:** i am sorry for your suffering

**yeah nope:** man you better be

**Shirabooty:** yeah but i still hate my life

**settersrc00l:** join the club

**nasa nerd:** glad to hear you hate existence tobio-chan~~

**godzilla:** why am i best friends with such a terrible person

**nasa nerd:** aww you love me :)

**godzilla:** the more days pass the exponentially less that statement becomes true

**yeah nope:** hang on could i

_[_ _yeah nope_ _has removed_ _snemismeita_ _from the conversation ]_

**Shirabooty:** ugh thank you

**Shark:** Kunimi-kun, what did I say

**yeah nope:** just hold the phone for one sec akaashi

 **yeah nope:** i need to know something

**Shark:** I will give you no more than five minutes

**yeah nope:** wont need it

 **yeah nope:** anyways shirabu would you go on a date with semi

**Shirabooty:** what the fuck no

**yeah nope:** yeah are you sure about that?

**Shirabooty:** YES

**yeah nope:** 100% sure

**Shirabooty:** DUDE

 **Shirabooty** : …

 **Shirabooty:** okay

 **Shirabooty:** he's like. passably good looking ig

 **Shirabooty:** but

**yeah nope:** but what

**Shirabooty:** … okay

 **Shirabooty:** if he asked me out, maybe i'd say yes

 **Shirabooty:** M A Y B E

**yeah nope:** do go on

**Shirabooty:** BUT ONLY IF HE DOES THE ASKING

 **Shirabooty:** I AM NOT putting myself in an EMBARRASSING SITUATION for a stupid DATE

**yeah nope:** cool so i called it

**thot destroyer:** damn bitch how'd you get that outta him

**mooshijima:** Well.

 **mooshijima:** I will admit that explains a lot

**overgrown assmushroom:** AHAHAHAHA

**Shirabooty:** SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU

**yeah nope:** alright

 **yeah nope:** and for my next trick

_[_ _yeah nope_ _has removed_ _Shirabooty_ _from the conversation ]_

_[_ _yeah nope_ _has added_ _snemismeita_ _to the conversation ]_

**yeah nope:** semi

**snemismeita:** hey why the fuck did y’all boot me

**yeah nope:** semi

**snemismeita:** i can’t read anything that happened while i was gone?

**yeah nope:** semi

**snemismeita:** BRO WHAT

**yeah nope:** would you go on a date with shirabu

**snemismeita:** seriously? fuck no

**yeah nope:** please elaborate

**snemismeita:** he's annoying as shit and i loathe his entire bloodline

**yeah nope:** is that so

**snemismeita:** what do you want me to say??

 **snemismeita:** ...

 **snemismeita:** okay shirabu is cute OBJECTIVELY

 **snemismeita:** IF and only IF you ignore his awful hair

**yeah nope:** alright continue

**snemismeita:** but

 **snemismeita:** imagine me asking him out though

 **snemismeita:** i’m shit at romantic gestures satori can attest

**overgrown** **assmushroom:** ehh...

**snemismeita:** see?

 **snemismeita:** and he's always busy with studying and captaincy stuff for next year, and i'm going to uni out of the city, and

 **snemismeita:** dunno. hard to think about the future so it doesn't make sense to think about it

 **snemismeita:** and that's not even considering that he hates me anyway

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Yeah you guys really did make your apparent loathing of each other clear

**nasa nerd:** fantastic performance i do stan

**snemismeita:** man shut the fuck up!!! god why am i even telling you all this

**yeah nope:** go on semi (everyone else shut up please god damn)

**snemismeita:** it’s just

 **snemismeita:** man i don’t wanna do that i’d fuck up the relationship before it even starts

 **snemismeita:** but if he asked me out i guess

 **snemismeita:** i would say yes

**overgrown assmushroom:** ohhhh ya got yourself into a real pickle there eita

**snemismeita:** hey like… fuck off? 

**snemismeita:** ... this was a mistake

_[_ _snemismeita_ _has left the conversation ]_

**thot destroyer:** ... wow

**yeah nope:** are you seeing this

**thot destroyer:** fuckin unbelievable

**yeah nope:** i thought so

**bedhead:** dude kunimi are you psychic

**yeah nope:** absolutely

**lilyama:** bruh

**yeah nope:** no i have a skill with this is all

 **yeah nope:** i can pick up on emotions pretty well

**Shark:** Honestly I’m impressed

**foxyyboi:** i am intimidated

**yeah nope:** ESP but for dumbasses exclusively

**lilyama:** shiiiiiiit dude

**sugUwUra:** YAMAGUCHI

**lilyama:** SORRY REFLEX

* * *

_Group Conversation: the land where the bong trees grow _

[9:54 am]

**tetsurhoe:** please how do i get bokuto to love me

**the daddy friend:** okay like just ask him out

**noitslikefirefly:** seriously it’ll work wonders believe it or not

**tetsurhoe:** could you try… like.. not being sarcastic.. for once

**knifecat.jpg:** well what else are you going to do

**punmaster:** a paper doll love ritual to bind his heart to your will?

**tetsurhoe:** have you not seen corpse party

 **tetsurhoe:** that is a TERRIBLE idea

**KaiNobuyuki:** Kuroo I told you not to watch that

**the daddy friend:** you know he has the impulse control of a toddler

**tetsurhoe:** dont make light of it that shit was traumatic

**tackytora:** we know bokuto is gay right

**knifecat.jpg:** look spending time around a guy who looks like akaashi keiji is enough to turn anyone gay

 **knifecat.jpg:** what girls can even compare to that dude

**idfkonoha:** are you implying all of fukurodani is gay

**knifecat.jpg:** im not implying im stating we all know ur all gay

**idfkonoha:** okay you got me there

**tackytora:** what should kuroo do then

**littlegiant2.0:** BRING HIM FLOWERS AND COFFEE

**INUOKA_SOU:** THAT’S CUTE!! BRING HIM A TEDDY BEAR

**tall stupid and deceased:** GIVE HIM A LOT OF HUGS

**INUOKA_SOU:** COMPLIMENT HIM!!!

**littlegiant2.0:** PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH HIM!!! VOLLEYBALL WILL DEFINITELY WORK OKAY

**tetsurhoe:** i am taking suggestions from everyone who isnt a 1st year

 **tetsurhoe:** theyre all useless

**littlegiant2.0:** HEY

**idfkonoha:** ..

 **idfkonoha:** you gotta send him a thirst trap tiktok

**tetsurhoe:** i am taking suggestions from everyone except the 1st year AND konoha!!!

**idfkonoha:** it’ll definitely work okay bokuto is a thirsty boy

**tetsurhoe:** …

**noitslikefirefly:** actually i second this

 **noitslikefirefly:** (aside from the fact that you both have unbelievably shitty taste in even getting tiktok to begin with)

 **noitslikefirefly:** i think it’ll work especially since neither of you are romantic at all

**knifecat.jpg:** well worth a try ig

**the daddy friend:** hmmm

**tetsurhoe:** i am literally going to kill you all

**the daddy friend:** make sure the lighting is, like, purple

 **the daddy friend:** don’t lie to me kuroo i know you have LED strip lights in your bedroom

 **the daddy friend:** and for gods sake do NOT choke the camera

**tetsurhoe:** okay

 **tetsurhoe:** okay

 **tetsurhoe:** ONLY BC I TRUST DAICHIS JUDGEMNT

**noitslikefirefly:** rude

**punmaster:** it’s warranted

**noitslikefirefly:** thanks manekineko that means a lot to me :)

**tackytora:** tsukishima should not be allowed to use that face

**noitslikefirefly:** i do what i want okay :)

_[_ _KaiNobuyuki_ _has changed_ _punmaster_ _’s name to_ _manekineko_ _]_

**manekineko:** nya!

**tackytora:** do not

**manekineko:** i'm wishing kuroo luck

**tetsurhoe:** thank you fukunaga

 **tetsurhoe:** god damn it

 **tetsurhoe:** i'm going to fucking need it

**noitslikefirefly:** this is going to be a shitshow

* * *

_Group Conversation:_ _alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass_

[10:06 am]

**WisdomOfTheAce:** KUROO JSUT MADE A TIKOTK OF HIM THROWIGN IT BACK ADN SENT IT TO ME WHAAT DO I DP

* * *

_Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[10:07 am]

**tetsurhoe:** NO NO NO BOKUTO DUETTED IT WHAT TE FUCK D O I DO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semishira took over this entire chapter and I really don't have any excuses! I am a simple fool and I love them!
> 
> Next chapter several Dumb Bitches get together. Romance is dead, but god damn if I won't live vicariously through the Haikyuu boys!
> 
> My new favourite insult is _eboy_ because the implications are _devastating._ I know for sure if anyone ever suggested I was an eboy it would be a one-hit KO. I've already been forced to change my centre part... someone put an end to their influence soon. I can't lose anything else.
> 
> (I again have never made a TikTok. I am aware that including TikTok in this will forever date my work, but so does the datestamp of the publishing, so what is there to lose, other than general authorial respect? Do I even have any? I'm rambling but my point is, I don't know how duetting works, so if this concept is portrayed in a technically incorrect manner PLEASE let me know!)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _[ tackytora has changed tetsurhoe's name to churro ]_
> 
> **churro:** why
> 
>  **noitslikefirefly:** so your problems are even funnier to us than they were before
> 
>  **churro:** ur a bitch tsukki
> 
>  **noitslikefirefly:** yeah but at least i get laid
> 
>  **the dad friend:** that reminds me i forgot to give the first years The Talk this year
> 
>  **littlegiant2.0:** PLEASE NO DAICHI  
>  **littlegiant2.0:** AONE WAS TEXTING ME ABOUT HOW MUCH SUFFERING BOTH MONIWA AND THE FIRST YEARS WENT THROUGH!!  
>  **littlegiant2.0:** KOGANEGAWA THOUGHT YOU COULD GET SOMEONE PREGNANT FROM FRENCH KISSING
> 
>  **INOUKA_SOU:** WAIT CAN YOU??
> 
>  **tall stupid and deceased:** KUROO-SAN WHAT'S A FRENCH KISS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the update is a day late! Got caught up with some other work and had to sideline this but it's up now :)
> 
> I was **this close** to getting my supervisor's permission to write a literature paper on the characterization of captains in reflecting and determining a team's 'strength' in Haikyuu!!, and then found out it violated a rule on translated works, so all my essay outlines got thrown out the window. I guess. Anyhow, that's how I'm doing.

_ Group Conversation: alright u fuckers we r here 2 get bo kuroos ass _

[10:08 am]

**lilyama:** nice one

**WisdomOfTheAce:** I DUEETED IM AN FCKIN IDIOT KIL L ME

**Shark:** Didn’t you tell me the other day that the only reason you got TikTok was because Kuroo did

**Shark:** For this exact reason

**WisdomOfTheAce:** YEAH WELL IM EATIN MY WRODS AKAAASHI I DONT KNO WHAT THIS MWENS N

**WisdomOfTheAce:** TS TORTURIG ME TORTUEING I TELL U

**foxyyboi:** well at least youre getting something

**foxyyboi:** i am lonely just so everyone knows and so are my dms

**Shark:** Are you really putting out an open offer?

**foxyyboi:** why? thinking abt taking it ? ;)

**Shark:** I wouldn’t touch that app for the life of me

**Shark:** Besides, this is going way too fast

**Shark:** Iit's common courtesy to at least ask me out on a date first, you know

**foxyyboi:** hold up

**foxyyboi:** is this actual flirting

**Shark:** You tell me

**WisdomOfTheAce:** WHAT

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Where is everyone?

**lilyama:** sasuke!!

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Do you absolutely have to call me that?

**overgrown assmushroom:** at least tell me ya watch the show

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** I mean... I saw some of it as a child

**overgrown assmushroom:** fucking fake fan

**WisdomOfTheAce:** AKAAAASSASHI R U FLIRTING WITH ATSUMU

**Shark:** ...

**foxyyboi:** sadly, i don't think so

**foxyyboi:** even i know i dont have enough good karma stored up to receive romantic attention

**foxyyboi:** especially from the prettiest person here

**Shark:** Well, obviously

**Shark:** You can't give yourself romantic attention now can you

**foxyyboi:** what?

**foxyyboi:** hold up

**foxyyboi:** i am

**foxyyboi:** akasbabfwf,:?/?'

**Shark:** Well I have to be honest

**Shark:** You are quite the stunner yourself

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Hello I am here to announce that you've broken Atsumu

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** We're very impressed

**WisdomOfTheAce:** OMG AKAASHI UR FINALLY BRANCHING IUT IM SO PROUD

**lilyama:** game is too strong everyone else just go home

**Shark:** Thank you

**foxyyboi:** oh god i think im in love

**Shark:** I'm very flattered, Atsumu

**Shark:** And back to Bokuto-san: just make a joke about it. Your entire relationship with Kuroo is based off bad humour anyway

**Shark:** You're good at playing the fool

**WisdomOfTheAce:** thanks

**Shark:** It's my job to say it like it is

**overgrown assmushroom:** ... was it a nice ass tho

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ... the nicest

**overgrown assmushroom:** it ain't wakatoshi's so imma politely disagree

**mooshijima:** Thank you Tendou, but I think yours is nicer

**thot destroyer:** this day just keeps getting worse and its not even noon yet

**WisdomOfTheAce:** i guess ill take that as my cue to leave

**WisdomOfTheAce:** get back t oyou as soon as i stop my screming n figure out what to text kuroo

_ [  _ _ lilyama _ _ has added  _ _ snemismeita _ _ and  _ _ Shirabooty _ _ to the conversation ] _

**snemismeita:** hey asshats not a word

**Shirabooty:** i don't know what he's talking about but the same thing goes for me you know what i mean

**Shark:** This is ridiculous 

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Certainly

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** I read through everything I missed and it was certainly a wild ride

**yuuji's bitch:** ffs

**kenji's hoe:** we have to do something

_ [  _ _ ge _ _ ttin real tired of foxyyboi _ _ has named  _ _ the conversation this is an intervention _ _ ] _

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Nice one, 'Samu

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Thanks babe

**snemismeita:** whos having an intervention

**Shirabooty:** and who's it for

**lilyama:** the two of you

**snemismeita:** excuse you

**Shirabooty:** look if this is about that thing i said i will slaughter you all in your sleep

**snemismeita:** i dont know whats up with anglebangs but same

**Shirabooty:** ... anglebangs

**Shirabooty:** look at least i'm not still scene in the year of our lord 2020

_ [  _ _ Shark _ _ has changed  _ _ Shirabooty _ _ 's name to  _ _ anglebangs _ _ ] _

**anglebangs:** fuck off

**snemismeita:** at least my hair compliments me

**anglebangs:** it's the only thing that does

**snemismeita:** fuck the intervention theres no way in hell am i becoming buddies with this asshat

**sasuke_kiyoomi:** Don’t you want to be boyfriends though

**snemismeita:** excuse me

**anglebangs:** what. the. fuck.

**overgrown assmushroom:** hoo boy youve done it now sasuke

**overgrown assmushroom:** WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO SAY IS

**kenji's hoe:** THE INTERVENTION 

**yuuji's bitch:** WHILE YOU TWO WERE SEPARATELY ADDED AND REMOVED TO THE CHAT

**lilyama:** KUNIMI GOT YOU BOTH TO CONFESS YOUR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER

**Mooshijima:** In which you separately stated that you would like to date each other

**Shark:** But didn't know how to ask each other out

**anglebangs:** is this some kind of prank

**snemismeita:** this is bullshit you guys i know that shirabu would never

**anglebangs:** wait you're serious

**yuuji's bitch:** i can see the mind wheels turning

**snemismeita:** wait YOURE serious

**kenji's hoe:** i can hear the mind cogs cranking

**anglebangs:** hey god please tell me this is an elaborate prank before i make a complete fool of myself

**Shark:** Unfortunately, this is genuine

**snemismeita:** you

**snemismeita:** want to go out

**snemismeita:** with me??

**kenji's hoe:** *conductor voice* you have reached the destination

**anglebangs** : YES YOU DAFT BASTARD

**snemismeita:** HOLY SHIT

**snemismeita:** i am blessed today

**anglebangs:** YES 

**anglebangs:** um

**anglebangs:** i’ll dm you? if that’s ok?

**anglebangs:** wow i can’t believe this is happening

**snemismeita:** sure thing!

**snemismeita:** oh my god

**snemismeita:** unbelievable… thank you all

**yuuji's bitch:** aww

**thot destroyer:** fuckin finally dudes i'm rooting for y'all 

**mooshijima:** Never would I have expected it, but it seems sweet now that I think about it

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** I'm like laughing so hard but way to go, dumbasses

**Shark:** All the couples are adorable

**Shark:** What’s this? I feel conflicted

**Shark:** And also slightly full of heartache 

**foxyyboi:** Well, I don't have much experience, but I'll try to fix it?

**yuuji's bitch:** *SIREN NOISES*

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Correct grammar?

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Flirting?

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Our Atsumu?

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** I'm so proud!

**Shark:** Miya Atsumu

**kenji's hoe:** omg

**foxyyboi:** ... Yes?

**Shark:** When is the next time you can come up to Tokyo?

**foxyyboi:** Wait, you’re seriously asking me out?

**Shark:** Um… yes? If you want to?

**foxyyboi:** OH MY GOD

**foxyyboi:** YES

**Shark: Great!** Can I DM you?

**kenji's hoe:** so suave

**yuuji's bitch:** so smooth

**also gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** This is pure

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** Like about fucking time too

**gettin real tired of foxyyboi:** But I am happy for him

_ [  _ _ gettin real tired of foxyyboi _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ proud of foxyyboi _ _ ] _

_ [  _ _ also gettin real tired of foxyyboi _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ also proud of foxyyboi _ _ ] _

**lilyama:** today, the gods of love are good

**puddign_haed:** good for you good for you personally i don't understand why people feel the need for love or sex but ayyye congrats anyway

**thot destroyer:** yep what kenma said

**thot destroyer:** bye i'm off to eat cake

**puddign_haed:** apple pie is better but yeah go off

**yeah nope:** i just read through all of that bc kindaichi made me get up early

**yeah nope:** and see: i told you

**yeah nope:** sixth sense

**kindaichii:** EVERYONE'S SO CUTE GOSH I WISH I HAD A BOYFRIEND!!!

**yeah nope:** then ask someone out?

**kindaichii:** but i know i'll mess it up besides he doesn't like me i don't think

**yeah nope:** is it someone i know

**kindaichii:** yeah

**yeah nope:** okay so i can talk to them if it goes wrong

**kindaichii:** you don't have to do that

**yeah nope:** i'm your friend of course i will

**yeah nope:** go for it anyways it couldn't hurt to try

**settersrc00l:** oh kindaichi ur back

**kindaichii:** WILL YOU GO ON A DATE WITH ME

**settersrc00l:** what

**yeah nope:** fucking kidding me

**yeah nope:** sorry what

**kindaichii:** OH NO I MEANT TO SEND THAT FOR KUNIMI

**kindaichii:** KUNIMI

**kindaichii:** DAMMIT KAGEYAMA YOU ARRIVED AT THE WORST TIME

**yeah nope:** seriously

**kindaichii:** I'M SORRY I DIDN'T M

**yeah nope:** coffee and book shopping on saturday?

**kindaichii:** WIAT REALLY

**yeah nope:** glad you finally picked up on my two years of flirting yuutarou

**settersrc00l:** yeah took you long enough tbh but anyways best of luck 

**kindaichii:** yamaguchi is right today is blessed by the love gods

**godzilla:** i have arrived and goddamn, it's all so...

**nasa nerd:** GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

**godzilla:** OIKAWA TOORU I SWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST 

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ the land where the bong trees grow _

[10:08 am]

**the dad friend:** omg it worked

**tetsurhoe:** NO IT DIDTN

**the dad friend:** look he duetted what else can it mean

**noitslikefirefly:** did he say anything

**tetsurhoe:** i quote

**tetsurhoe:** UR FUCKIN THICK BRO

**tetsurhoe:** BUT NO HOMO

**noitslikefirefly:** why did i even ask

**tetsurhoe:** HE DOESNT LOV E MEE

**KaiNobuyuki:** You could always try out a traditional sort of route

**KaiNobuyuki:** There's the upcoming festival at Nekoma right

**knifecat.jpg:** u need a date kurro

**knifecat.jpg:** *kurro

**knifecat.jpg:** *kuroo DAMMIT

**tetsurhoe:** i am refusing to talk abt this any longer okay CHANGE OF TOPIC PLS

**manekineko:** … kurro

**manekineko:** *churro

_ [  _ _ tackytora _ _ has changed  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ 's name to  _ _ churro _ _ ] _

**churro:** why

**noitslikefirefly:** so your problems are even funnier to us than they were before

**churro:** ur a bitch tsukki

**noitslikefirefly:** yeah but at least i get laid

**the dad friend:** that reminds me i forgot to give the first years The Talk this year

**littlegiant2.0:** PLEASE NO DAICHI

**littlegiant2.0:** AONE WAS TEXTING ME ABOUT HOW MUCH SUFFERING BOTH MONIWA AND THE FIRST YEARS WENT THROUGH!!

**littlegiant2.0:** KOGANEGAWA THOUGHT YOU COULD GET SOMEONE PREGNANT FROM FRENCH KISSING

**INOUKA_SOU:** WAIT CAN YOU??

**tall stupid and deceased:** KUROO-SAN WHAT'S A FRENCH KISS

**the daddy friend:** this is a disaster kuroo why aren't your kids more educated

**KaiNobuyuki:** Well, I'm uncomfortable with talking about that and the first years don't respect me much anyway

**KaiNobuyuki:** Kuroo is entirely too descriptive and a disgusting teacher 

**KaiNobuyuki:** And Yaku insists they maintain their innocence and refuses to help them

**KaiNobuyuki:** …

**tackytora:** hey look it ain't the second years' job

**tall stupid and deceased:** HEY DAICHI-SAN WILL YOU TEACH ALL OF US

**the dad friend:** you poor children, with such an irresponsible father

**the dad** **friend:** and one with such little experience in this area :(

**churro:** shut the fuck up

_[ manekineko changed the dad friend's name to the daddy friend ]_

**littlegiant2.0:** GROSS GROSS EW NO WHY

**the daddy friend:** alright

**the daddy friend:** i'm bringing in the auxiliary forces

**churro:** YOU CANNOT ADD SUGA I FORBID IT

**churro:** THERE IS A MYSTERIUOS MIND BOND BETWEN ALL SETTERS AND AKAASHI IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED

**the daddy friend:** … alright but i was thinking of some other people

_ [  _ _ the dad friend _ _ has added  _ _ moniwa_k _ _ ,  _ _ someone_save_shiratorizawa _ _ , and  _ _ shinsukekita _ _ to the conversation ] _

**moniwa_k:** um hi?

**the daddy friend:** hello and welcome and all

**the daddy friend:** let’s get straight to the point: being third year team captains i assume you are familiar with Giving The Talk to your underclassmen

**moniwa_k:** hello

**moniwa_k:** wait no PLEASE

**shinsukekita:** Hold on… Do I know you?

**the daddy friend:** please excuse the bad screen name

**the daddy friend:** it’s sawamura daichi

**shinsukekita:** Ah. Captain of Karasuno High?

**churro:** yep the one and only

**someone_save_shiratorizawa:** hi, it’s reon, may i throw in another first year

**someone_save_shiratorizawa:** we never got around to explaining things to goshiki (god bless his terf bangs and soul)

_ [  _ _ someone_save_shiratorizawa _ _ has added  _ _ shiratorizawasfutureace _ _ to the conversation ] _

**moniwa_k:** um i don’t think kogane got it either

_ [  _ _ moniwa_k _ _ has added  _ _ KOGANEGAWA _ _ to the conversation ] _

**shinsukekita:** Well, seeing as I know essentially none of you, why am I here?

**knifecat.jpg:** daichi called in the ‘auxiliary forces’

**knifecat.jpg:** (thats u)

**littlegiant2.0:** DAICHI-SAN I DONT WANNA

**littlegiant2.0:** SUGA SAID HE WAS PLANNING A POWERPOINT WE CAN DO IT LATER PLS

**INUOKA_SOU:** YAKU-SAN DO WE HAVE TO????? 

**tall stupid and deceased:** NO YAKU-SAN PLEASE TEACH ME

**manekineko:** you heard the boy please teach him

**knifecat.jpg:** FUKUNAGA I SWEAR TO GOD

**knifecat.jpg:** u know what never mind

_ [  _ _ knifecat.jpg _ _ has removed  _ _ manekineko _ _ from the conversation ] _

**tall stupid and deceased:** WHY?

**knifecat.jpg:** lev can u just take a goddamn break from the goddamn chat ok that will solve my problems

**tall stupid and deceased:** oh

**tall stupid and deceased:** OKAY THEN BYE YAKU-SAN I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!!!!

**knifecat.jpg:** *loud sigh*

**tackytora:** yikes

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** HELLO WHAT IS THIS

**KOGANEGAWA:** I THINK THE CAPTAINS WANT TO TEACH US ABOUT SOMETHING SO THEY ADDED US HERE BUT I DON’T KNOW WHO EVERYONE IS AND I’M A BIT NERVOUS

**tackytora:** all this yelling is giving me a headache

**churro:** I CANNOT BELEIVE U YAMAMOTO

**KOGANEGAWA:** WE’RE ALL TEXTING HOW CAN SOMEONE BE YELLING????

_ [  _ _ KaiNobuyuki _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**tackytora:** smart move

_ [  _ _ tackytora _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**churro:** great one daichi u and ur first years have driven away all m teammates

**noitslikefirefly:** maybe they just hate u :)

**churro:** remind me why im friends with u :)

**noitslikefirefly:** because you’re a shitty judge of character :)

**churro:** evidently i am :)

**moniwa_k:** … can i go or

**shinsukekita:** So are we, or are we not, giving the underclassmen the Talk?

**the daddy issue:** apparently we are not

**moniwa_k:** k then

**littlegiant2.0:** OH THANK GOD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah, you're allowed get some soft content every once in a while. I reached my limit. Friday: boys are back to being stupid goddamn thots.
> 
> For the manga fam: y'all... Chapter 390 though... I know one (1) God and He is Miya Atsumu. Actually, two gods. The other is Haruichi Furudate and they are the god of circular storytelling.
> 
> As always feel free to message me on tumblr, and there's always an open invite to the Inarizaki Discord server!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **foxyyboi:** im fucking hitchhiking osamu
> 
>  **proud of foxyyboi:** Please, don't  
>  **proud of foxyyboi:** It'll be such a HASSLE to have to comply with police interviews and TV spots, when you doubtlessly get into a car with an untraceable serial killer (because obviously you are a fucking clown) and are brutally murdered (and half deserve it too), thus forever marking the enigma of your death down in history through the archives of various Japanese investigative forces and the sparkly-blood-graphics-ridden blogs of true crime enthusiasts  
>  **proud of foxyyboi:** You know I don't have the patience for that shit
> 
>  **also proud of foxyyboi:** Babe... Holy fuck  
>  **also proud of foxyyboi:** You have no idea what it does to me when you talk like Kita-san
> 
>  **proud of foxyyboi:** Oh? :)
> 
>  **foxyyboi:** i think i actually vomited in my mouth there a little
> 
>  **bedhead:** akaashi-san  
>  **bedhead:** i am going to make a separate group chat for all the single people here so we don’t have to deal with this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how to explain my sense of humour at this point but can only pray you all ascribe to a similar mindset. I watched too much Monty Python as a kid. Everything I write is based on the inherent funniness of going off on batshit fucking tangents. This is why I can't write actual prose fic.
> 
> Kuroo was an edgy emo Minecraft middle schooler. I don't make the rules.

_Group Conversation: this is an intervention _

[11:06 am]

**Shark:** I truly don't have words to express how much I'm looking forward to tomorrow :)

**foxyyboi:** aww <3

 **foxyyboi:** i’m packing on my things right now! samu is driving me

**proud of foxyyboi:** Yeah, yeah, Atsumu, have fun and all, but I fully expect you to pay me in pudding after this

**bedhead:** i can’t believe they’ve set up a date so quickly

**puddign_haed:** they’ve actually been friends for a while apparently

**foxyyboi:** we’re going shopping!

**Shark:** We were both genetically blessed with beauty, sure, but I also need a new foundation to maintain that

**foxyyboi:** gotta max out at sephora, planning to pick up some new Fenty myself

**Shark:** I do love Rihanna, she is such an inspiration

**nasa nerd:** thank god i’m not the only one who wears CLASSY makeup

 **nasa nerd:** u guys should go watch a movie together!

 **nasa nerd:** well cinemas are gross but somebody has to have netflix right

**foxyyboi:** it is on the plan yes

**Shark:** Any recommendations?

**nasa nerd:** all you had to do was ask ;))))

 **nasa nerd:** ANY SPACE MOVIE

 **nasa nerd:** IF ITS IN SPACE ITS ALREADY GOLD

 **nasa nerd:** ALSO PACIFIC RIM IS REALLY FUCKING GOOD IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT PLEASE DO

 **nasa nerd:** MAYBE IT’S TECHNICALLY NOT A SPACE MOVIE BUT IT’S GOT ALIENS

**godzilla:** oikawa

 **godzilla:** please stop talking

**nasa nerd:** …

 **nasa nerd:** i love and deeply respect u but youre pushing that love iwachan

**godzilla:** i am rolling my eyes but thank you

**foxyyboi:** … yeah sorry i am leaving the house now i will not be in the range of wifi see you all tomorrow

 **foxyyboi:** see you keiji in about seven hours :)

**proud of foxyyboi:** I’m going offline now too, see y’all later

**puddign_haed:** pfft imagine not having data

**Shark:** Not all of us can be gamers like you, Kenma

**bedhead:** gotta ask why are you driving so far for a date

**foxyyboi:** because love makes you do crazy things?

 **foxyyboi:** osamu just kicked me for that!!!

 **foxyyboi:** rintarou please control your boyfriend!!!!!

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Why can't you? You shared the womb with him for nine months, idiot

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** Besides, as you just said, love makes you do crazy things

**Shark:** The twins have family they mean to visit in Tokyo anyhow

 **Shark:** And Bokuto-san has offered the use of his guest bedroom for them so they can stay until tomorrow evening at least

 **Shark:** We can go for a tour of Tokyo then, if you want! <3

**foxyyboi:** sounds wonderful keiji <3

**also proud of foxyyboi:** When will my husband return from the war :’(

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** Honestly. Osamu is such a wonderful person

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** I don’t know why he would, like, voluntarily drive Atsumu of all people to Tokyo 

**also proud of foxyyboi:** And only be paid in pudding

**foxyyboi:** ... out of brotherly love?

**also proud of foxyyboi:** In what universe is brotherly love better than the sort of love that I can offer

**puddign_haed:** gross suna

**overgrown assmushroom:** nice suna get some

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Unfortunately I cannot, seeing that Atsumu here has KIDNAPPED MY HUSBAND.

**foxyyboi:** shut the fuck up you’re not married yet

 **foxyyboi:** besides you’ll have plenty of time for that when you do

**also proud of foxyyboi:** True

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** But we were going to do some very very fun stuff this weekend :(

**foxyyboi:** look i did not need to know that nor did i want to

 **foxyyboi:** LET ME GO OFFLINE SAMU’S THREATENING TO LEAVE ME BEHIND

**also proud of foxyyboi:** What am I going to do now...

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** I ordered some stuff online for God’s sake

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** (My mother nearly opened the box I swear I was going to die then and there)

**puddign_haed:** man i dont even wanna know

**proud of** **foxyyboi:** I'll video call you

 **proud of foxyyboi:** Wouldn't want your expenses and the indispensable efforts of the postal service to go to waste, after all :)

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Of course not :)

**foxyyboi:** im fucking hitchhiking osamu

**proud of foxyyboi:** Please, don't

 **proud of foxyyboi:** It'll be such a HASSLE to have to comply with police interviews and TV spots, when you doubtlessly get into a car with an untraceable serial killer (because obviously you are a fucking clown) and are brutally murdered (and half deserve it too), thus forever marking the enigma of your death down in history through the archives of various Japanese investigative forces and the sparkly-blood-graphics-ridden blogs of true crime enthusiasts

 **proud of foxyyboi:** You know I don't have the patience for that shit

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Babe... Holy fuck

 **also proud of foxyyboi:** You have no idea what it does to me when you talk like Kita-san

**proud of foxyyboi:** Oh? :)

**foxyyboi:** i think i actually vomited in my mouth there a little

**bedhead:** akaashi-san

 **bedhead:** i am going to make a separate group chat for all the single people here so we don’t have to deal with this

 **bedhead:** we will stick to the original mission statement of trying to get bokuto and kuroo together, just

 **bedhead:** without the borderline explicit texts from the couples in this chat

**Shark: .**.. Very well

 **Shark:** You may go

**puddign_haed:** fucking thank you kuguri

_[_ _Shark_ _has removed_ _bedhead_ _,_ _godzilla_ _,_ _kenji’s hoe_ _,_ _nasa nerd_ _,_ _noshit_chikara_ _,_ _puddign_haed_ _,_ _sasuke_kiyoomi_ _,_ _ settersrc00l, thot destroyer _ _and_ _ yuuji’s bitch _ _from the conversation ]_

**overgrown assmushroom:** aight so suna can u go back to what u were saying abt ur online purchases ~~

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Alright so

* * *

_[_ _kuguri__ _has added_ _aobajousaiace_ _,_ _fruitagucci_ _,_ _kiwinishi_ _,_ _noshit_chikara_ ,  _oikawahahaha_ _,_ _puddign_haed_ _,_ _sasuke_kiyoomi_ _,_ _settersrc00l_ _,_ _teradshima_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _to a conversation ]_

[11:45 am]

_[_ _kuguri__ _has named the conversation_ _beyonce club_ _]_

**kuguri_:** aight so we gotta keep our promise to mr shark there and help bokuto out else we get added back to the old chat

**oikawahahaha:** i liked the drama there too bad we got kicked :(

**aobajousaiace:** you have to admit that was a bit much at times

**oikawahahaha:** well that's what made it fun, iwachan~~

**aobajousaiace:** yeah, pervert

**puddign_haed:** i can see we're off to a good start

**teradshima:** oh what is this

**fruitagucci:** new chat new chat

**puddign_haed:** well great

**teradshima:** ... beyoncé club

**fruitagucci:** ...

**teradshima:** oooooooooh

 **teradshima:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

**fruitagucci:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES 

**teradshima:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

**fruitagucci:** ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

**kiwinishi:** can it, idiots

**fruitagucci:** yall are so rude to us i swear

 **fruitagucci:** anyway what happened to our screen names

**kuguri_:** good point

_[_ _kuguri__ _has changed his name to_ _God._ _]_

_[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has changed his name to_ _princess leia_ _]_

_[_ _oikawahahaha_ _has changed a obajousaiace's name to _ _han solo_ _]_

_[_ _aobajousaiace_ _has changed his name to i _ _n your dreams oikawa_ _]_

_[_ _teradshima_ _has changed his name to_ _slut for kenji_ _]_

**fruitagucci:** bitch don't u know it

_[_ _fruitagucci_ _has changed his name to_ _slut for yuuji_ _]_

**slut for kenji:** god ur so thirsty for this ass

**slut for yuuji:** i'm always thirsty for your ass babe

**slut for kenji:** babe

 **slut for kenji:** fine asses, both of us

 **slut for kenji:** no homo tho right

**slut for yuuji:** maybe just a tiny bit of homo

**slut for kenji:** ... BABE

**princess leia:** no please someone stop them

**God.:** they're technically single i have no real power over that

_[_ _puddign_haed_ _has changed his name to_ _tired of this_ _]_

_[_ _kiwinishi_ _has changed his name to_ _ i deserve cake _ _]_

_[_ _teradshima_ _has changed_ _ sasuke_kiyoomi' _ _s name to_ _fuk u itachi_ _]_

**fuk u itachi:** I swear to God

**noshit_chikara:** what is this now

**slut for kenji:** new group chat for all the single people in the old one

**slut for yuuji:** apparently ppl got tired of getting nasty texts from the couples

**noshit_chikara:** in that case i'm going back to bed

**i deserve cake:** IT'S NEARLY NOON YOU LAZY SLEAZEBAG

**noshit_chikara:** exactly?

_[_ _noshit_chikara_ _has changed his name to_ _Lazy Sleazebag_ _]_

**Lazy Sleazebag:** i accept my titles now leave me alone

**i deserve cake:** can we add more people i'm bored

**slut for yuuji:** good idea

**God.:** whatever go ham

_[_ _slut for yuuji_ _has added_ _kamichii_ _,_ _ironwall2_ _and_ _im_babey_ _to the conversation ]_

**settersrc00l:** i have some people from nationals i guess

_[_ _settersrc00l_ _has added_ _hoeshiumi_ _and_ _litbero_ _to the conversation ]_

**fuk u itachi:** Hey Komori

**litbero:** hiya

 **litbero:** … sasuke

**fuk u itachi:** Fuck you

**litbero:** —itachi"

**fuk u itachi:** STOP

**hoeshiumi:** anyone care to explain what tf this is

**litbero:** and hi to you too kourai <3

_[_ _litbero_ _has changed_ _hoeshiumi_ _ ’s name to _ _bird Boyy hnnh get it_ _]_

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** newsflash, i hate you

**litbero:** awww

 **litbero:** lmao anyways why are we here

**slut for kenji:** *bored, rehearsed voice*

**slut for yuuji:** akaashi keiji added us to all to this chat so we could get bokuto a boyfriend

**slut for kenji:** however after a few descriptive texts from the likes of ushijima, tendou, yamaguchi and suna, kuguri moved all the single people to a separate chat

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** so basically this is the bachelor club

**litbero:** no it’s beyoncé club did you not see the name??

 **litbero:** i changed my mind, you can't get it. i'm a sapiosexual

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** shut up komori

**litbero:** are you guys seeing this sapiophobia?? when it's already so difficult for us to thrive in this generation of fools :'(

 **litbero:** anyway who’s bokuto thirsting after this time

 **litbero:** wait don’t tell me. is it still nekoma’s captain 

**settersrc00l:** yeah

**litbero:** y’all ain’t slick you know

**settersrc00l:** no shit but they’re stupid too

**litbero:** truly a tragic and incredibly unsavoury combination of traits...

**kamichii:** is bokuto even here

 **kamichii:** if he isn’t can i leave

**slut for yuuji:** HELLO KAMASAKI-SAN

**kamichii:** OKAY FUCK OFF FUTAKUCHI I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE

**im_babey:** i don’t know half of the people here

**ironwall2:** Me neither, Sakunami.

**slut for kenji:** WTF DID AONE JUST TALK

**ironwall2:** ?

 **ironwall2:** This is an online chat, Terushima. I am texting, not talking.

**slut for yuuji:** duh

 **slut for yuuji:** yuuji ur an a-grade clown

**slut for kenji:** leave me alone bro 

**slut for kenji:** fucking flirt with kamasaki if you want

 **slut for kenji:** see if i care

_[ slut for kenji has left the conversation ]_

**slut for yuuji:** BRO NO COME BACK I LOVE YOU PLS

**fuk u itachi:** Great

**litbero:** i totally agree with you, sasuke

**fuk u itachi:** GIVE IT A GOD DAMN REST

* * *

_Group Conversation:_ _the land where the bong trees grow_

[12:08 pm]

**churro:** update: i am not asking bokuto to go to the festival with me

 **churro:** thats so domestic ew

**moniwa_k:** come on it’s cute

**churro:** and it aint ever gonna happen besides i have a much better idea

**shinsukekita:** … I’m sure you do.

 **shinsukekita:** Right. I don’t mean to change the subject, but do you all know an Akaashi Keiji?

**churro:** do u need to fight him

 **churro:** in which case yes i do

**shinsukekita:** Is he a good person?

**idfkonoha:** … why are you asking

**shinsukekita:** Our team’s baby is going on a date with him this weekend, and I want to make sure he’s doing something that won’t hurt him.

**idfkonoha:** okay akaashi’s my setter, and he is many things, namely gorgeous and unfairly talented, but a dick is not one of them

 **idfkonoha:** hold up are you the captain of inarizaki

**shinsukekita:** Yes.

**idfkonoha:** why does it not surprise to hear miya atsumu is your team baby

 **idfkonoha:** anyway

 **idfkonoha:** so, akaashi has been texting me nonstop for the past hour or so asking what kind of outfit he should wear, what they should get for dinner, what playlist to put on, etc

 **idfkonoha:** look akaashi’s gotten dozens of confessions monthly since his first year and he’s considerate, sure, but i’ve never seen him so invested and frankly stressed about a date ever

 **idfkonoha:** he’s a good guy, your son is in safe hands

**churro:** let us pray that they work out bc isnt it like a 7hr drive from y’all to tokyo? hate for it to go to waste eh

**shinsukekita:** Atsumu won’t admit it, but it’s been pretty rough seeing his twin and their mutual best friend so happy together while being alone himself, so this is good to hear. Thank you.

**moniwa_k:** yeah sweet and all but personally i wanna hear about kuroo’s better idea

**the daddy friend:** festivals are romantic kuroo

**churro:** am i a romantic?

**the daddy friend:** no not really

**churro:** is bokuto a romantic? 

**idfkonoha:** yes but that's just a side effect of him being dumb as fuck

 **idfkonoha:** so i guess not really

**churro:** ill just airdrop him a meme i made asking him to date me

_[_ _churro_ _has sent_ _1 photo_ _to the conversation ]_

**noitslikefirefly:** did you seriously use bottom text what is this 2008

**churro:** fuck off its IRONIC

**noitslikefirefly:** uhuh and i suppose the lens flare and pixellation are too

 **noitslikefirefly:** it looks like a fucking 12yo with a minecraft avi and thinks pewdiepie is funny made it

**churro:** i have good taste ur just a bitch

**noitslikefirefly:** keep telling yourself that

**moniwa_k:** this is horrific... i can’t take my eyes off it

**the daddy friend:** me neither

 **the daddy friend:** i volunteer to send it

**idfkonoha:** no let me i wanna be the wingman

**knifecat.jpg:** guys guys we all know i am the ultimate wingman

**tall stupid and deceased:** GO YAKU-SAN

**littlegiant2.0:** NO GO DAICHI-SAN

**KOGANEGAWA:** MONIWA SHOULD BE THE WINGMAN!!

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** REON-SAN IS A GREAT WINGMAN HE GOT TENDOU AND USHIJIMA TOGETHER

**littlegiant2.0:** WELL DAICHI ACTUALLY HAS A BOYFRIEND

**tall stupid and deceased:** WELL YAKU SHOULD BE SOMEBODY’S BOYFRIEND HE’S REALLY NICE AND CARING AND PRETTY HE COULD BE A GREAT WINGMAN

**churro:** ohoho

**knifecat.jpg:** lev pls dont

**tall stupid and deceased:** WHY NOT? IT'S A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

**knifecat.jpg:** hhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnggggggg

**KOGANEGAWA:** GUYS MONIWA-SENPAI IS CURRENTLY IN TOKYO SO

**littlgiant2.0:** DAICHI FTW

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** REON

**someone_save_shiratorizawa:** now now goshiki

**KOGANEGAWA:** MONIWA

**tall stupid and deceased:** YAKUUUUUU

**INUOKA_SOU:** IDK WHAT THAT IS BUT IT SOUNDS FUN SO MEEEEEE

**churro:** NO

 **churro:** ok thats it

 **churro:** TSUKKI

**noitslikefirefly:** what

**churro:** UR MY WINGMAN

**noitslikefirefly:** ugh sounds like a lot of effort

**churro:** U JUST GOTTA TEXT A MEME TO BO PLS TSUKKI UR OUR MUTUAL SALT BUDDY

**noitslikefirefly:** pay me

**churro:** in what

**noitslikefirefly:** buy me new headphones

**churro:** this is not even remotely financially equivalent but

 **churro:** ok deal

_[_ _noitslikefirefly_ _has changed his name to_ _loser’s wingman_ _]_

**loser’s wingman:** they better ship soon, bitch

**churro:** man just send the fucking meme tsukki!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is called, "I introduce concepts and leave them void of explicit description, because the audience will offer their own interpretation of Suna's online purchases and Kuroo's shitty proposition meme, and they will be a thousand times as potent within the imagination of the reader than anything I, the author, could possibly write" a.k.a., I attempt to keep this mess of a chatfic somewhat fucking SFW (a Herculean task. Dear Lord).
> 
> They released the character design sheets for the rest of the foxes... **2020 is truly the year the Inarizaki stans rise.** Akagi Michinari is hands-down the cutest libero in all of Haikyuu, and I say this fully knowing the actual babies that are Shibayama and Sakunami exist, but man. Google the character sheet and I fucking _dare_ you to tell me I'm wrong.
> 
> Just kidding, we are of course all entitled to our own rights and opinions!
> 
> But he do be cute though 👉👈 👀


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **churro:** U FUCKIN  
>  **churro:** GOD KIDS THESE DAYS NO FUCKING RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS
> 
>  **loser’s wingman:** BOOMER
> 
>  **churro:** WHAT  
>  **churro:** FUCK U I HOPE U GET AN STD WHORE
> 
>  **the daddy friend:** i’m so tired of this already i can feel my gray hairs growing soon enough i’ll be matching with suga
> 
>  **idfkonoha:** don’t mind me, i’m going to make some popcorn
> 
>  **shinsukekita:** Oddly enough… this feels familiar.  
>  **shinsukekita:** Am I in a dream? Have I…   
> **shinsukekita:** Was this prophesied?
> 
>  **churro:** ???
> 
>  **shinsukekita:** No.  
>  **shinsukekita:** Nevermind, it’s just my Atsumu Senses tingling—you two do seem to be the same breed of hyper-enthusiastically asinine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the toll of trying to juggle three separate group chats is starting to get to me but I do it all for you, dear readers, all for you.
> 
> Also, I haven't slept a full night in days. Why did nobody tell me BNHA was this fun. I almost broke my binging streak record. It hasn't reached Haikyuu's rate of episodes per 16-hour day yet but it's darn close.
> 
> Anyway, back to the Haikyuuverse—would anyone else care to join a Kita Shinsuke cult with me?

_ Group Conversation: the land where the bong trees grow _

[12:24 pm]

**churro:** tsukki

**churro:** tsukki

**churro:** T S U K K I

**loser’s wingman:** i sent the damn thing alright

**loser's wingman:** don't get your panties in a twist

**littlegiant2.0:** BOKUTO BLOCKED HIM

**loser’s wingman:** simply a minor setback

**shinsukekita:** I don't know, that sounds like a pretty big pothole in the road there.

**loser’s wingman:** shut it you scene kageyama clone

**shinsukekita:** I recognize that was intended to be an insult,

**shinsukekita:** However, I am choosing to accept that as a compliment of our apparent ‘cloned’ beauty.

**littlegiant2.0:** KAGEYAMA IS PRETTY THAT'S TRUE

**loser’s wingman:** on the outside

**churro:** WHYY R U OF ALL PPL SAYING THAT

**idfkonoha:** WHY ARE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE CALLING HIM OUT ON IT

**loser’s wingman:** WHY AREN’T WE ACKNOWLEDGING MR. “I’M SO STRAIGHT I’M THE STRAIGHTEST PERSON EVER” HINATA SHOUYOU’S GAY-AS-FUCK STATEMENT

**littlegiant2.0:** IT’S BECAUSE I /AM/ STRAIGHT, YOU BRACHIOSAURUS

**littlegiant2.0:** I CAN OBJECTIVELY APPRECIATE PEOPLE BEING PRETTY OK

**loser’s wingman:** I’M SORRY WHAT DID YOU SAY I COULDN’T HEAR YOUR VOICE L Y I N G FROM OVER THE 26CM HEIGHT DIFFERENCE

**littlegiant2.0:** YOU WANNA COME OVER AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE

**loser’s wingman:** BRING IT ON GINGERBALL I CAN LITERALLY STEP ON YOU

**the daddy friend:** FOR GOD’S SAKE TSUKISHIMA, HINATA, YOU ARE ON A DAMN PHONE NOT FACE-TO-FACE QUIT ACTING LIKE IT

**the daddy friend:** also,

**the daddy friend:** hinata, son,

**the daddy friend:** i hate to be the one to break it to you but are you sure you don’t have some gay tendencies?

**littlegiant2.0:** I DO NOT AHAGDWWVUIUIFA

_ [  _ _ littlegiant2.0 _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**the daddy friend:** sigh.

 **the daddy friend:** i can't believe i need to have this talk again

**idfkonoha:** repression and/or denial: a major symptom of chronic homosexuality in young teens

**churro:** IM STILL UPSET

**churro:** TSUKKI DID BO NOT SAY ANYTHING BEFORE HE CUT U OUT OF HIS LIFE

**loser’s wingman:** ORDER THE RIGHT COLOUR OF HEADPHONES THIS TIME AND MAYBE I’LL TELL YOU

**churro:** LOOK MY ORDER CANCELLATION S STILL PROCESSING CAN U BE PATIENT

**loser’s wingman:** i SPECIFICALLY told you to get the WHITE

**loser’s wingman:** ARE YOU ILLITERATE

**churro:** I WAS DISTRCACTED OK

**churro:** YOU KNOW IM IN CLASS 5

**loser’s wingman:** yes because we can OBVIOUSLY tell that from the way you act

**churro:** U FUCKIN

**churro:** GOD KIDS THESE DAYS NO FUCKING RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS

**loser’s wingman:** BOOMER

**churro:** WHAT

**churro:** FUCK U I HOPE U GET AN STD WHORE

**the daddy friend:** i’m so tired of this already i can feel my gray hairs growing soon enough i’ll be matching with suga

**idfkonoha:** don’t mind me, i’m going to make some popcorn

**shinsukekita:** Oddly enough… this feels familiar.

**shinsukekita:** Am I in a dream? Have I… 

**shinsukekita:** Was this prophesied?

**churro:** ???

**shinsukekita:** No.

**shinsukekita:** Nevermind, it’s just my Atsumu Senses tingling—you two do seem to be the same breed of hyper-enthusiastically asinine.

**shinsukekita:** Ah, here I was, foolishly thinking I’d be at peace because he was in Tokyo.

**shinsukekita:** How sorely disappointed I am.

**idfkonoha:** …

**idfkonoha:** so i am bald

**the daddy friend:** ouch

**idfkonoha:** kuroo are you alive

**churro:** i dont

**churro:** i dont know

_ [  _ _ the daddy friend _ _ has changed  _ _ shinsukekita _ _ ’s name to  _ _ the barbecue man _ _ ] _

**churro:** kita…

**churro:** will u teach me how to roast like u do

**churro:** every person on ur dang team is a smoothass fucker at roasting

**churro:** can i transfer to ur school pls teach me ur ways sensei

**the barbecue man:** As you are a good blocker…

**the barbecue man:** (Not quite at Suna's level good, but talented nonetheless)

**the barbecue man:** I will consider it.

**the barbecue man:** I am human and I have my limits, however, so first—please—on a scale of 1-10: how unbearable would you rate yourself as a person? I am asking you to be honest.

**churro:** im choosing to ignore the comment on my blocking ability because u scare me but to answer ur q, no number can express as i am godtier awesome and im always this nice

**loser’s wingman:** no number because he transcends that scale by an alarming amount

**churro:** tsukki go AWAY

**churro:** u had one (1) job and u failed i have no use for u any longer

**churro:** DONT LET THE DOOR HIT UR ASS ON THE WAY OUT

**loser’s wingman:** let me call my BOYFRIEND to pick me up, OLD MAN BACHELOR

**churro:** YAMAGUCHI DESERVES BETTER

**churro:** PETITION TO FREE 1 YAMAGUCHI TADASHI FROM THESE SHACKLES KONWN AS LOVE

**loser’s wingman:** IM THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO DECIDE ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO TADASHI AND SHACKLES

**the daddy friend:** … i am at a loss for words

**the barbecue man:** I have changed my mind

**the barbecue man:** I will not be taking on Kuroo as my trainee anymore

**the barbecue man:** Tsukishima, you are my newest apprentice

**the daddy friend:** you are very very welcome to take him off my hands

**loser’s wingman:** wow, dad

**churro:** I HATE U TSUKKI

* * *

_ Group Conversation: beyoncé club _

[12:43 pm]

**slut for yuuji:** i hate doing homework

**fuk u itachi:** Just don’t

**fuk u itachi:** What is it worth

**fuk u itachi:** Do you ever realize that despite you living the peak volleyball experience and doing things that objectively should fill you with a great and whole joie de vivre, you still feel like you’re wasting your youth because you just feel so unspeakably done as soon as you step off the court and when you’re out of your shoes and kneepads it just can’t fucking compare, and it should make you feel so happy you get to live such an incredible part of your life you didn't get until now, but you just feel so lonely still

**fuk u itachi:** Obviously I am making the best of my cinematique high school years

**slut for yuuji:** ……………

**slut for yuuji:** damn who spiked ur coffee with emo juice

**fuk u itachi:** Kagayama did

**settersrc00l:** you spelled my name wrong

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** no he spelled out the truth

**litbero:** obviously

**settersrc00l:** try me bitches i am not afraid to kill a man

**slut for yuuji:** WELL I NO LONGER FEEL OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING

**slut for yuuji:** i may now be undergoing an existential crisis but we are FINE

**fuk u itachi:** I do my best

**settersrc00l:** well HINATA ASKED YACHI OUT AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM DO YOU THINK I CAN CONVINCE HER TO SAY NO

**princess leia:** oh please yachi hitoka is definitely a lesbian

**settersrc00l:** don’t play me like that oikawa

**settersrc00l:** like i know being a bastard is like your whole brand but don’t

**princess leia:** i know i HATE u and chibi-chan but im dead serious

**princess leia:** yahaba.. tried.. to ask her out once~~

**princess leia:** it was a failure

**slut for yuuji:** . . YAHABA

**slut for yuuji:** I KNEW WE WERE MISSING A BRO

_ [  _ _slut for yuuji_ _ has added  _ _ yahaboi _ _ to the conversation ] _

**princess leia:** lol i didnt know you two were friends

**yahaboi:** yeah that’s because we aren’t

**slut for yuuji:** rude

**slut for yuuji:** i missed you shigeru~~~

**yahaboi:** look sweetie your screen name is literally 'slut for yuuji’

**yahaboi:** don’t try and pull a flirt there, fuckboy

**litbero:** yikes!

**princess leia:** my little brother figure... i taught him well

**slut for yuuji:** I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE TO GO AROUND

**yahaboi:** sadly

**slut for yuuji:** WHY WONT U LOVE ME YAHABA

**yahaboi:** evidently you have terushima to do that

**yahaboi:** where even is he

**slut for yuuji:** i... dont have him

**yahaboi:** wait seriously when did you break up

**slut for yuuji:** WE WERENT DATING

 **slut for yuuji:** ...

 **slut for yuuji:** ...

 **slut for yuuji:** :'(

**litbero:** awww i hate to see you so down

 **litbero:** :)

**slut for yuuji:** wait

**yahaboi:** oh god oh no please don't

**litbero:** too late

_[ litbero has added teradshima to the conversation ]_

**teradshima:** bruh why do u have my number

**litbero:** i collect pretty boys for various purposes!!

**fuk u itachi:** ... Please promptly delete my contact

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** mine too

**litbero:** sakusa darling u are the PRIZE of my collection

**fuk u itachi:** Stop it I don't like that

**litbero:** ;)

 **litbero:** although.. terushima is a promising new item...

**teradshima:** .... incredibly promising i'm sure ;)

**yahaboi:** jesus stop it

**slut for yuuji:** is this actually happening

 **slut for yuuji:** ... do u want me to change my name

**litbero:** oh i'm not selfish i believe sharing is caring

**princess leia:** what is happening

**teradshima:** dont worry bro u still got me

**slut for yuuji:** yeah what am i, ur third wheel

**teradshima:** ur my primary wheel, dude

**teradshima:** im just messing around

_ [ teradshima has changed his name to slut for kenji ] _

**slut for kenji:** sorry litbero im sure ur lit but im committed

**slut for yuuji:** yeah to hana

**slut for yuuji:** since u keep blowing me off to hang out with her :/

**princess leia:** ~~the plot chickens~~

**slut for kenji:** dude

**slut for kenji:** we’re trying to prep some stuff for next year’s team like it’s nothing else

**slut for yuuji:** and why do i always see u on snap map with her at cafes and shit???

**slut for kenji:** shes helping me with my classes? i take college prep remember

**slut for kenji:** bro i need all the help i can get especially this time of year

**slut for kenji:** anyway why is it bothering u so much

**slut for yuuji:** ………….

**settersrc00l:** i sense something awful is about to happen

**slut for kenji:** WAIT

**slut for kenji:** I KNEW IT

**slut for kenji:** U LOVE ME

**slut for kenji:** U… /LIKE/ .. ME

**slut for yuuji:** UR WRONG

**slut for kenji:** U WANT TO DATE ME

**slut for yuuji:** I DO NOT

**slut for kenji:** I’LL DATE U

**slut for yuuji:** U WILL NOT

**slut for yuuji:** wait

**slut for yuuji:** what?

**slut for kenji:** asked you out u fucking clown

**slut for yuuji:** what

**princess leia:** FUTAKUCHI YOU DAFT SHIT YOU LIKE HIM AND HE ASKED YOU OUT

**fuk u itachi:** Not more of them I swear to God

**settersrc00l:** damn i forgot that terushima was actually smart

**slut for kenji:** you wound me

**slut for kenji:** but yeah!!! so what do you say? kenji?

**slut for yuuji:** … wow

**slut for yuuji:** bro thats going too fast i’m not smart enough to keep up with this train of thought ughhhhh

**slut for yuuji:** but i mean

**slut for yuuji:** brofriends?

**slut for kenji:** *boyfriends

**slut for yuuji:** FULL HOMO AHEAD

**slut for kenji:** IS THAT A PROMISE DADDY

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** i feel a migraine coming on

**litbero:** anything i can do to help with that lemme know

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** sakusa can u punch him for me

**fuk u itachi:** Believe me, the next time I get a chance

**litbero:** i look forward to it

**i deserve cake:** hey hey time to boot some losers :)

_ [  _ _ i deserve cake _ _ has removed  _ _ slut for kenji _ _ and  _ _ slut for yuuji _ _ from the conversation ] _

**yahaboi:** oh thank god

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** this still doesn't solve the komori problem

**litbero:** oh please do solve me

**fuk u itachi:** STOP IT

**settersrc00l:** ... anyways what was that you were saying about yachi, hinata’s crush and as such my romantic rival, being gay

**princess leia:** yahaba would you do the honors

**yahaboi:** well

**yahaboi:** WELL THE REAL QUESTION IS WHY AM I HERE I HAVE A BF

**i deserve cake:** ew

_ [  _ _ i deserve cake _ _ has removed  _ _ yahaboi _ _ from the conversation ] _

**princess leia:** kawanishiiii why now i have to explain !!

* * *

_ Group Conversation: this is an intervention _

[1:36 pm]

**also proud of foxyyboi:** So yeah. I guess that's how it went :)

**overgrown assmushroom:** DAMNNNNN

**overgrown assmushroom:** WAKATOSHI CAN WE~~~

**mooshijima:** I’ll look into it but I have to go for a university counseling session again

**overgrown assmushroom:** okayy LUV U <3

**mooshijima:** Love you

**snemismeita:** theyre so sweet oh my gosh

**anglebangs:** disgusting

**snemismeita:** hey

**anglebangs:** they’re so

**anglebangs:** pda

**snemismeita:** it’s cute come on

**anglebangs:** but like

**anglebangs:** i’m sorry

**anglebangs:** i don’t mean it like that it’s just 

**anglebangs:** not all of us are 6ft+ and intimidating and confident enough to be, you know

**anglebangs:** Out There

**anglebangs:** and i’m just kinda … jealous honestly

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Hey, you don’t have to stress about it

**lilyama:** every relationship is different and has different comfort levels, so don’t worry about comparing yourself to others

**emo slayer:** i mean, if you and semi are happy as it is, you can absolutely just stay there

**anglebangs:** thanks

**anglebangs:** like, it’s fine to talk about here, i guess

**anglebangs:** but in the real world, there are always going to be people who won’t accept us and i don’t want to be in that kind of situation

**snemismeita:** oh honey, nobody here’s gonna out us

**snemismeita:** right?

**also proud of foxyyboi:** That’s a promise

**emo slayer:** we have your back, shirabu

**lilyama:** i totally get it i was in the same situation a while back so i’m definitely on your side

**mooshijima:** Absolutely. You are my teammate and friend, and I will do my best to ensure you are never in a situation in which you feel unsafe

**snemismeita:** it’s okay kenjirou

**anglebangs:** thank you i feel a bit better now

**yeah nope:** i missed out on the heart to heart dammit

**yeah nope:** but ofc i back up everything that was said

**kindaichii:** awwwww CUTEE

**kindaichii:** …

**kindaichii:** wait

**yeah nope:** ah shit kindaichi don't scroll up

**kindaichii:** OH MY GOD WHAT WERE YOU GUYS EVEN

**kindaichii:** I LEFT FOR A DAY AND

**kindaichii:** I HAVE BEEN SO CORRUPTED

**yeah nope:** kindaichi i am so sorry

**kindaichii:** WORSE THAN MATSUKAWA-SENPAI AND HANAMAKI-SENPAI

**lilyama:** he does the -senpai thing how precious

**kindaichii:** UAAHSWDWWVHQ NOT ANYMORE

**kindaichii:** MY EYES

**also tired of foxyyboi:** Rest in peace, Kindaichi’s Innocence

_ [  _ _ yeah nope _ _ has changed  _ _ kindaichii _ _ ’s name to  _ _ welcome to the real world sugarpie _ _ ] _

**welcome to the real world sugarpie:** :’(

**WisdomOfTheAce:** YAAAAAAMAAAAAGUUUUUUCHI

**lilyama:** heyo !!

**WisdomOfTheAce:** im gonna fuckin MERK u yamaguchi

**lilyama:** y tho

**WisdomOfTheAce:** DID U TELL UR BOYFRIEND I LIKE OUR MUTUAL BEST BRO

**WisdomOfTheAce:** BC A CERTAIN GLASSES DINOSAUR-LOVIN STRING BEAN JUST ASKED ME OUT

**WisdomOfTheAce:** VIA MEME

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ON BEHALF OF KUROO N NO EXPLANATION EXCEPT A “ ;) somebody wants a good gay time ”

**WisdomOfTheAce:** I WANT ANSWERS N U R GOING TO GIVE THEM T ME

**lilyama:** hey lmao it wasn’t me

**lilyama:** tsukki prolly sent it to piss kuroo off honestly

**lilyama:** i bet the guy’s just as annoyed as you are

**yeah nope:** oh not to interrupt but apparently terushima and futakuchi got together and were booted from the other chat

**lilyama:** well that was fast

**anglebangs:** please… no

**yeah nope:** oopsies

_ [  _ _ yeah nope _ _ has added  _ _ fruitagucci _ _ and  _ _ teradshima _ _ to the conversation ] _

**yeah nope:** and yahaba was ever-so-briefly on the other one has well, before also being kicked for having a boyfriend

**anglebangs:** NO NOT YAHABA O H M Y GO D

**yeah nope:** ehe

_ [  _ _ yeah nope _ _ has added  _ _ yahaboi _ _ to the conversation ] _

**yeah nope:** kyoutani broke his phone again so in the meantime it’s just yahaba

**anglebangs:** HHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGG i HATe YoU

**yahaboi:** well then you’ll be very glad to hear the feeling is reciprocated!!

**anglebangs:** don’t talk fancy you ass i’m in higher level classes than you

**yahaboi:** no you aren’t i’m class 5

**yahaboi:** you are a class 4

**teradshima:** the salt…. it fucken burns…..

**WisdomOfTheAce:** as kuroo would say, ur so very NaCl

**yeah nope:** that wasn't even remotely funny but it's cute that you’re whipped enough that you make chemistry puns off of his interests!!!

**lilyama:** just bf tingz

**WisdomOfTheAce:** not dating yet pls stop reminding meeee

**emo slayer:** the guy threw it back for you bokuto get off your ass and ask him the fuck out

**lilyama:** WHOAA MOM LANGUAGE THERE ARE KIDS HERE!!!

**emo slayer:** oh my my i am sorry

**emo slayer:** thank you yamaguchi

**welcome to the real world sugarpie:** please remember i am ALSO here

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I am sorry Kindachi, child

**overgrown assmushroom:** well i dunno that'll be him in two years

**yahaboi:** i will allow no such thing during my run as captain

**yeah nope:** oh stuff it, senpai

**yeah nope:** you and kyoutani are kind of the worst too

**yahaboi:** ...

**overgrown assmushroom:** yahaba anything u want to say~~

**yahaboi:** yeah

**yahaboi:** kentarou’s raging pissed i’m neglecting him for this conversation and tbh that kind of really does it for me...

**yahaboi:** so i'm afraid i have to go

**yahaboi:** cheerio

**welcome to the real world sugarpie:** me too

_ [  _ _ welcome to the real world sugarpie _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**emo slayer:** gosh darn it yahaba

**fruitagucci:** you fucked up a perfectly good kouhai is what you did

**teradshima:** look at it

**teradshima:** it's got anxiety

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I have anxiety waiting for Osamu to text me back

**yeah nope:** it's been like three hours man

**yeah nope:** relax

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I don't trust Atsumu in enclosed spaces with people for hours on end

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Well I don’t trust Atsumu, period

**anglebangs:** tch clingy

**snemismeita:** ahhh

**snemismeita:** youre an asshole, you know that right 

**anglebangs:** yeah but i'm your asshole

**snemismeita:** anatomically improbable but i appreciate the sentiment

**WisdomOfTheAce:** thots and prayers im trying to get a good post-shower shirtless pic to send kuroo

**lilyama:** ha thats gayyyyyyy

**emo slayer:** ooh good luck bokuto!!

**yeah nope:** poor kindaichi

**yeah nope:** how flustered do you think he'd get if i sent him something like that

**fruitagucci:** 274993279% chance

**teradshima:** of unintelligible squeaking and/or spontaneous combustion

**anglebangs:** stop talking so fancy you silly shit

**overgrown assmushroom:** why have my children grown to be so rude

**mooshijima:** First Kawanishi, now Shirabu

**overgrown assmushroom:** tsk

**fruitagucci:** how mean of u shirabu

**fruitagucci:** ill have u know that the bae is Class 7

**anglebangs:** a lie

**teradshima:** Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

**fruitagucci:** mmmhmm talk nerdy to me daddy

**teradshima:** only if shitabu shuts his whore mouth :))

**mooshijima:** So it would appear the relationships between next year’s captains are even worse than that of the current captains

  
**lilyama:** yeah but since when was that news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone arrest Komori before Sakusa Cloroxes him to death.
> 
> Anyway, Terushima and Futakuchi grabbed my arms and yanked me bodily from the vehicle. Sorry, boys. They are driving this story now.
> 
> This might have been a little more serious in certain parts because I do want there to be like, some depth to reading this aside from shitty jokes, but hopefully the ratio of shitty jokes is still adequately high to keep you folks invested. After all, bad humour is what you are here for!
> 
> Friday: Akaashi and Atsumu go on a date. Hanamaki and Matsukawa make an appearance and put Futakuchi and Terushima's memery to shame. Crossover between Kuroo's group chat and Bokuto's group chat is at last made. This—this is the beginning of the end.
> 
> For now, please join me in pressing your F keys:  
>  **RIP to Kuroo's wallet.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **cheezesteank:** do u swear it upon his homoness, oikawa tooru, and his grave
> 
>  **iconhanamontana:** yes!!! lemme into ur fucking fridge man bout to stuff myself to death on basil
> 
>  **cheezesteank:** what a way to go  
>  **cheezesteank:** ur so brave babe can we share a coffin once th hole in my stomach destroys all my innards and euthanizes me from this tirelessly continuous existence,
> 
>  **iconhanamontana:** goes without saying my main man bro dude brother homie bitch x
> 
>  **cheezesteank:** thanks luv x
> 
>  **princess leia:** i’m not dead!!!
> 
>  **aobajousaiaice:** you will be after i kill you for adding these two to this chat
> 
>  **settersrc00l:** i appreciate the gesture iwaizumi-san but please hold off until the bitch spills the beans on yachi already
> 
>  **princess leia:** IWACHAN LISTEN TO HIM  
>  **princess leia:** . WAIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They ran out of ground beef at my grocery store! I can't make spaghetti bolognese! It's truly the end times!
> 
> Praying that I can push through this spaghetti-less time so I can see the Inarizaki match animated... if they delay the release I will drown in my own tears... and there won't even be spaghetti to comfort me...

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ beyoncé club _

[3:36 pm]

**litbero:** OIKAWA HAVE YOU SEEN STAR LEAF

**princess leia:** nah

**princess leia:** whats it about??

**litbero:** two words:

**litbero:** extraterrestrial

**litbero:** marijuana

**princess leia:** OHMY GOD I MUST SEE THIS

**princess leia:** IWACHAN~~~

**aobajousaiaice:** no

**princess leia:** i’ll watch mothra with you~~

**aobajousaiaice:** excuse you mothra is a classic

**aobajousaiaice:** it is a whole other species of movie than alien weed

**princess leia:** i’m calling in matsuhana

**aobajousaiaice:** don’t you dare

**princess leia:** iwachan u brought this down on yourself

**fuk u itachi:** Whom?

**princess leia:** why~~

**princess leia:** none other than aobajousai’s number 2 & 3

**princess leia:** our fellow third years

**princess leia:** matsukawa issei and hanamaki takahiro, the memes supreme

**fuk u itachi:** Like, Terushima/Futakuchi memes supreme or

**aobajousaiaice:** oh, worse

**aobajousaiaice:** you don't understand

**princess leia:** my my don’t be rude~~~

**princess leia:** u KNOW they are the OGs

_ [  _ _ princess leia _ _ has added  _ _ cheezesteank _ _ and iconhanamontana _ _ to the conversation ] _

**aobajousaiaice:** i’m going to murder you trashykawa

**cheezesteank:** my my iwaizumi

**iconhanamontana** : what a way to greet old friends :’(

**princess leia:** come over and watch a movie abt space marijuana with me since iwachans being a jerk and refusing

**aobajousaiaice:** i can feel you pout from here

**aobajousaiaice:** what i can’t feel, surprisingly, is giving a fuck

**cheezesteank:** woah woah woah how rude you are to our DEAR captain,,,,,

**princess leia:** mattsuuuuuun be a better friend than him :((

**cheezesteank:** well

**cheezesteank:** you only had to say weed uwu

**iconhanamontana:** from the vast otherworldly expanse of the universe!!

**cheezesteank:** hell

**iconhanamontana:** yeah

**cheezesteank:** OHHHHH

**iconhanamontana:** WE FINISH EACH OTHERS

**cheezesteank:** SANDWICHES

**iconhanamontana:** THATS WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY!

**cheezesteank:** I NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO THINKS SO MUCH LIKE ME!

**iconhanamontana:** JINX!

**cheezesteank:** JINX AGAIN!

**iconhanamontana:** OUR MENTAL SYNCHRONIZATION

**i deserve cake:** last i checked this chat was Bokuto Crush Advice Group not a karaoke bar

**iconhanamontana:** wow okay rude

**iconhanamontana:** that does sounds spicy~~

**cheezesteank:** you know what else is spicy ;)

**iconhanamontana:** why no i don’t would you care to enlighten me ;)

**cheezesteank:** thai basil beef

**cheezesteank:** that shits hot as FUCK man

**iconhanamontana:** … how and where can i order one

**cheezesteank:** oh there’s some in my fridge my mom bought it last night

**cheezesteank:** i still feel the burn in my stomach i think there might be a hole

**iconhanamontana:** i’m coming over to pick it up k

**cheezesteank:** nobody’s home but u know where the key is right

**iconhanamontana:** yea

**cheezesteank:** please get that hellfire dish outta my house qwq

**cheezesteank:** but dont touch my lunch tho babe

**cheezesteank:** i have made one (1) fried egg and two thousand seven hundred and forty nine (2749) grains of rice

**cheezesteank:** believe me. i will be counting up

**iconhanamontana:** its almost like u dont trust me!!

**cheezesteank:** babe

**cheezesteank:** i do trust u

**cheezesteank:** not around food

**cheezesteank:** i still remember your vicious thievery of my very last birthday raviolo :’(

**i deserve cake:** you know what

**i deserve cake:** i don’t even know i am turning off my phone and walking away

**iconhanamontana:** but bro it was calling 2 me!! Twas i who was destined to consume it

**iconhanamontana:** u heard the voice of god in that moment same as i did

**cheezesteank:** i maintain it was a collective auditory hallucination brought on by the power of parmesan but whatever just don’t ravioli ravioli FUCKING touch my rice-ioli

**iconhanamontana:** i will not touch your damn 1 egg and 2749 rice okay

**cheezesteank:** do u swear it upon his homoness, oikawa tooru, and his grave

**iconhanamontana:** yes!!! lemme into ur fucking fridge man bout to stuff myself to death on basil

**cheezesteank:** what a way to go

**cheezesteank:** ur so brave babe can we share a coffin once th hole in my stomach destroys all my innards and euthanizes me from this tirelessly continuous existence,

**iconhanamontana:** goes without saying my main man bro dude brother homie bitch x

**cheezesteank:** thanks luv x

**princess leia:** i’m not dead!!!

**aobajousaiaice:** you will be after i kill you for adding these two to this chat

**settersrc00l:** i appreciate the gesture iwaizumi-san but please hold off until the bitch spills the beans on yachi already

**princess leia:** IWACHAN LISTEN TO HIM

**princess leia:** . WAIT

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ this is an intervention _

[11:57 pm]

**foxyyboi:** Hi, this is Osamu speaking, since Atsumu went to sleep at a reasonable time for once, so I stole his phone and am going tell you ALL about the date before he gets up

**Shark:** also akaasshi forgot his phone here oh my godd these keys r tINY anyway he was too distracted sayinf goodbye to atmsumu to notice so i will also b speaking (its BOKUTO btw!!!)

**yeah nope:** we could tell

**overgrown assmushroom:** its weird to see such bad spelling from akaashis acc

**Shark:** That's rude :(

**Shark:** For the sake of Akaashi's dignity which will probably not be very dignitied (?) anymore after Osamu and I tell all—dude Akaashi I apologize in advance—I suppose I can find it in me to text as he would.

**yeah nope:** i didnt know frankly you actually knew any grammar laws

**anglebangs:** he clearly doesn’t what the fuck is ‘dignitied’

**Shark:** You’re all so fucking mean to me I swear to God! I am a NATIONAL TOP FIVE ACE,

**yeah nope:** man we KNOW

**foxyyboi:** Bold of you to assume any of us actually respect that

**foxyyboi:** Anyways, the two of them are ridiculously pure

**foxyyboi:** I always thought that Atsumu was a bit of a fuckboy, myself

**lilyama:** the ultimate judgement!! from his own /brother/!!!

**yeah nope:** such betrayal the likes of which have never been seen before

**foxyyboi:** He does project, you know

**anglebangs:** like terushima

**teradshima:** Excuse you! I am a perfectly well-mannered gentleman who respects the sacred boundaries of monogamy!

**fruitagucci:** yuuji how much pain r u in from typing like that

**teradshima:** so much

**Shark:** They went to a cat café together! I was scrolling through Akaashi's camera roll and there are too many adorable pictures.

_ [  _ _ Shark _ _ has sent  _ _ 8 photos _ _ to the conversation ] _

**lilyama:** mm gotta tell tsukki to take me to one o those

**Shark:** Yes! I put it down on a list of places I'd like to take Kuroo if I can ever get up the nerve to ask him out!!

**foxyyboi:** They were there for maybe an hour? Just playing with cats

**foxyyboi:** They ordered each other's coffee and the baristas gave them frosting-heart cookies on the house

_ [  _ _ foxyyboi _ _ has sent  _ _ 1 photo _ _ to the conversation ] _

**yeah nope:** gay rights

**foxyyboi:** Afterwards they hung around the park a bit and took the train to Bokuto's house

**foxyyboi:** Bokuto and I were watching volleyball match reruns of Nationals waiting for them to come back

**Shark:** I look slightly less awesome on television sadly :(

**foxyyboi:** Atsumu went upstairs to use the bathroom and Akaashi came in for a bit to watch with us

**foxyyboi:** But then Atsumu came down with a small bouquet of flowers

**lilyama:** ohmygosh

**Shark:** Akaashi started stupid smiling and then they were hugging each other and it took Akaashi ten minutes to say goodbye

**Shark:** (Don't tell anyone but after they left Akaashi started crying just a teeny bit :) )

**foxyyboi:** It was the most disgustingly adorable thing I've ever seen

**foxyyboi:** Atsumu was grinning like an idiot for another hours and tried to brush his teeth with Bokuto's little sister's acne gel

_ [  _ _ foxyyboi _ _ has changed his name to Dumb and  _ _ Whipped For Keiji _ _ ] _

**Shark:** You're right!

_ [  _ _ Shark _ _ has changed his name to  _ _ Dumb and Whipped For Atsumu _ _ ] _

**teradshima:** wow i am so inspired by this

**teradshima:** kenji will u buy me small bouquets of flowers n take me to cat cafés

**fruitagucci:** sure if u want but u really think thats our speed?

**teradshima:** naw u right i think were more of a 'break into a high school at 2 am to pig out on vending machine prawn chips' kinda couple

**anglebangs:** what the fuck

**teradshima:** Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it!

**anglebangs:** are you just answering all my texts in proper grammar to spite me and my APARENT lower intelligence?

**teradshima:** *Apparent.

**teradshima:** And yes, I am.

**lilyama:** man can we go like a single day without bitchtime

**anglebangs:** i hate u

**teradshima:** Come up with something a little more original, sweetie.

**fruitagucci:** i love u

**teradshima:** ;)

**overgrown assmushroom:** WAKATOSHI WHAT KINDA COUPLE ARE WE

**mooshijima:** We are the Ultimate Volleyball Power Pair

**overgrown assmushroom:** oh

**lilyama:** f to tendou's romantic aspirations 2020

**anglebangs:** ha

**overgrown assmushroom:** stop being so rude to your senpai!!!!

**mooshijima:** Satori, I'm joking

**mooshijima:** By the way, I finally bought myself a Jump subscription so you can read yours in peace

**mooshijima:** And so, hopefully, I can also catch up all those series you like so much

**overgrown assmushroom:** OH MY GOSH WAKATOSHI THNAK UOU SO MUCHH II L OV VE YOU SO MU CH ALAGSVEKSEVSV

**anglebangs:** ew nerds

**snemismeita:** why am i dating you

**anglebangs:** well to hop on the 'what kinda couple are you' train

**anglebangs:** we are the Salt Baes

**anglebangs:** and you like my ‘awful hair’ 

**snemismeita:** oh shut up

**anglebangs:** i’m not wrong am i

**lilyama:** i want to add tsukki to this

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** Oh, God no... He'll never let me hear the end of this!! D:

**lilyama:** too late

_ [  _ _ lilyama _ _ has added  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ to the conversation ] _

**noitslikefirefly:** yamaguchi no not another group chat

**lilyama:** but tsukki this one is crush advice for bokuto

**noitslikefirefly:** fuck’s sake

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** Yamaguchi shut up!!!

**noitslikefirefly:** first of all, only i get to say that to him

**noitslikefirefly:** secondly that is akaashi's user why is he being rude to my bf

**noitslikefirefly:** thirdly who does bokuto like

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** I'm sorry, Yamaguchi.

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** This is Bokuto and I respect and fear Akaashi too much to not type like him while I’m on his phone. He forgot it after his date

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** Tsukishima Kei I am refusing to answer the third question!!!

**noitslikefirefly:** oh yeah akaashi is dating miya atsumu now

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** it me

**proud of foxyyboi:** He woke up and took his phone back

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** oh im not mad

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** haha osamu is sulking tho

**proud of foxyyboi:** Am not!

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** as you can see

**noitslikefirefly:** you guys had a date today right

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** why do you know that

**noitslikefirefly:** i'm in a groupchat with your captain

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** ... all good things all good things right

**noitslikefirefly:** sure let's say that

**proud of foxyyboi:** (Send screenshots there’s nothing I miss more than Kita fucking Atsumu the fuck up)

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** ignore samu hes homesick for suna

**proud of foxyyboi:** I should have made you take the train to fucking Tokyo

**proud of foxyyboi:** Then I could be at home eating tacos with Rintarou

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** exhibit a

**proud of foxyyboi:** Shut it

**noitslikefirefly:** bokuto koutarou who the FUCK do you have a crush on

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** No

**anglebangs:** K

**snemismeita:** U

**teradshima:** R

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** FUCK OFF

**fruitagucci:** don't interrupt dammit

**fruitagucci:** (O)

**ssssuguru:** O

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** ET TU DAISHOU

**ssssuguru:** it had to be done i’m sorry

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** I hate you all

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** Tsukki I swear if you say a single fucking word 

**noitslikefirefly:** don't call me that

**noitslikefirefly:** ..... ok but it’s not like i didn’t know

**noitslikefirefly:** so

**noitslikefirefly:** ...........................................

**noitslikefirefly:** but

**noitslikefirefly:** …………………………………… oh god damn it

**noitslikefirefly:** yamaguchi

**noitslikefirefly:** dm

**noitslikefirefly:** please

**lilyama:** aight honey

**Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu:** AUGHWBUFDSGHWUAFBHSUHDGSWHGVFSUYSDW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once had to count 2729 grains of rice by hand as a data collection simulation in my environmental studies class :/
> 
> Tuesday: Kita bullies some first years. There's also some angst. Sorry boys, you gotta make them suffer sometimes. It's also high time for Yamaguchi and Tsukishima to fuck shit up. _Somebody_ has to be proactive.
> 
> (We didn't even get to eat the rice.)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **churro:** i wonder whether the issues is w being gay or w kageyama
> 
>  **the daddy friend:** wait you’re right
> 
>  **the barbecue man:** (A first.)
> 
>  **churro:** why do u hate me like this u country fuckin bumpkin go clean ur tractor
> 
> _[ churro has changed the barbecue man's name to cowboy hat emoji ]_
> 
> **cowboy hat emoji:** What can I say. Being country is a way of life.
> 
>  **churro:** STOP TAKING EVERYTHIGN I SAY IN STRIDE
> 
>  **cowboy hat emoji:** Agriculture is the backbone of society. Farming is where civilization came from and to the soil we must all one day return. Yee-haw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some content warnings to dish out for this chapter! Nothing graphic or explicit, this is a Teen fic, but you folks did see the "Mild Mention of Mental Health Issues" tag so if discussion surrounding depression, hospitalization, eating disorders or self-harm is triggering for you, please skip it! Take care of yourselves!
> 
> Potentially triggering content takes place in the third section. You should skip the section (beginning " _Group Conversation: this is an intervention_ | [12:46 am]") and pick up again for the fourth section (beginning " _Group Conversation: this is an intervention_ | [1:25 am]")
> 
> I hope you folks are all taking good care of yourselves this quarantine, and make sure to keep doing things that keep your mood up! 
> 
> With that note out of the way, this is the next chapter :)

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ the land where the bong trees grow _

[12:02 am]

**churro:** baguette

**idfkonoha:** GIVE IT A GOD DARNED REST KUROO WE KNOW YOU LEARNED HOW TO BAKE

**churro:** PEPPER JACK

**idfkonoha:** NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BAGUETTE

**churro:** S A L A M I

**idfkonoha:** KUROO I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

**churro:** [T] [O] [M] [A] [T] [O]

**moniwa_k:**...

**KOGANEGAWA:** I LOVE BAGUETTES!!!

**idfkonoha:** DON’T ENABLE HIM

**churro:** baguette baguette baGUETTE BAG U ETTE B A G U E T. TE

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** WE GET IT YOU LIKE BAGUETTES

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** I WENT TO THE WASHROOM AND MY ROOMMATE WENT HOME FOR THE WEEKEND AND NOW I’VE BEEN LOCKED OUT OF MY ROOM D:

**churro:** if u had a BAGUEETE u would feel BETTER

**moniwa_k:** bagueete

**churro:** MY POINT STILL STANDS

**tall stupid and deceased:** SENPAI WHAT IS A BAGUETTE???

**churro:** well son :)

_ [  _ _ idfkonoha _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**churro:** dang it!!

**churro:** whos gonna be my fukurodani inside man now

**KOGANEGAWA:** ME!!! THAT SOUNDS FUN!!!

**the barbecue man:** Hm.

**the barbecue man:** My first-years have all been trained out of all-caps. I see that isn’t the case, with your teams.

**churro:** LEV CAN HEAR YOU

**the barbecue man:** Nor have, would it seem, the special-case third years.

**churro:** KITA UR SO FUCKING RUDE I SWEAR

**the barbecue man:** …

**churro:** wait

**KOGANEGAWA:** D:

**the barbecue man:** Someone has to say what must be said.

**the barbecue man:** Only my misfortune that that burden happened to fall upon me.

**KOGANEGAWA:** D :

**moniwa_k:** hey! wound my underclassmen again and this iron wall will fucking crush you :)

**KOGANEGAWA:** CAN I BE THE FUKURODANI INSIDE MAN

**churro:** what

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS THERE IS A MAN WHO CAN GET ME INSIDE MY ROOM

**the barbecue man:** Reon, what is Goshiki’s excuse?

**someone_save_shiratorizawa:** he’s… excitable?

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** >:0

**someone_save_shiratorizawa:** you are .. energetic, you must admit

**tall stupid and deceased:** LIKE HINATA

**tall stupid and deceased:** BUT NOT SHRIMPY AND A GOOD PLAYER

**the daddy friend:** i .. will not tell him you said that

**INUOKA_SOU:** LEV YOU’RE SO RUDE!!!!

**tall stupid and deceased:** I SAY IT LIKE IT IS??!!!

**churro:** man u gotta learn one of these days

**churro:** god if yaku was here hed b kicking ur ASS

**the barbecue man:** This is a disaster.

**the daddy friend:** speaking of Hinata, you know what else is a disaster

**the daddy friend:** he’s in serious denial and is going out of his way to avoid me and especially kageyama outside of practice

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** OH NO

**tall stupid and deceased:** WHAT IS HE IN DENIAL OF??

**the daddy friend:** i think he knows he likes him but is refusing to accept it

**the daddy friend:** he’s obsessively hanging out with yachi i think he’s trying to redirect those feelings to her

**the daddy friend:** yachi’s too nice to ask him to stop but he’s really starting to make her uncomfortable

**the daddy friend:** as captain it’s my responsibility to make sure all the club members are happy and healthy

**the daddy friend:** this is neither of those things!

**tall stupid and deceased:** HINATA LIKES KAGEYAMA??

**tall stupid and deceased:** OH

**tall stupid and deceased:** THAT MAKES SENSE

**INUOKA_SOU:** I CAN TEXT HIM IF YOU NEED DAICHI-SAN

**the daddy friend:** i appreciate your offer a lot inuoka, but i don’t think it’s worth jeopardizing your relationship with him over this

**KOGANEGAWA:** I CAN BAKE HIM SOMETHING AND YOUR TEAM CAN MAKE A CARD AND I CAN DELIVER IT TO HIM!!!

**someone_save_shiratorizawa** : the first years are all so nice this year why were kawanishi and shirabu so awful when they were that age

**churro:** nah theyre outliers

**churro:** like tsukki

**churro:** where tf is tsukki

**the daddy friend:** i have no idea it says he’s online but he’s not here in this chat

**the daddy friend:** thanks koganegawa but i think it’s better to talk to him directly

**moniwa_k:** it's okay kogane i'm proud you thought of it

**KOGANEGAWA:** OKAY

**the barbecue man:** If I were you, I would send them to do farm labour together. Rice opens up the heart.

**the daddy friend:** you sound like ushiwaka

**the barbecue man:** If so, then Ushijima Wakatoshi is a smart man.

**the barbecue man:** Can you get them on a farm together or not?

**the daddy friend:** the only person i know with a farm is coach but he had enough to deal with the *last* time hinata and kageyama were fighting

**the daddy friend:** so i don't think i'll spring this on him again

**the daddy friend:** if he smokes anymore he's not going to have lungs anymore and without a coach my job's going to get a hell of a lot more tedious

**someone_save_shiratorizawa:** well, which teammates do hinata respect the most?

**the daddy friend:** well

**the daddy friend:** tanaka, nishinoya

**the daddy friend:** i don’t think they’re the best equipped, exactly, to handle this

**the barbecue man:** What about your vice-captain?

**the daddy friend:** KOUSHI

**the daddy friend:** PERFECT THANK YOU

**moniwa_k:** suga and daichi are a perfect example of a fully functioning and healthy gay relationship so that’s a good idea

**churro:** i wonder whether the issues is w being gay or w kageyama

**the daddy friend:** wait you’re right

**the barbecue man:** (A first.)

**churro:** why do u hate me like this u country fuckin bumpkin go clean ur tractor

_ [ churro has changed the barbecue man's name to cowboy hat emoji ] _

**cowboy hat emoji:** What can I say. Being country is a way of life.

**churro:** STOP TAKING EVERYTHIGN I SAY IN STRIDE

**cowboy hat emoji:** Agriculture is the backbone of society. Farming is where civilization came from and to the soil we must all one day return. Yee-haw.

**churro:** man just go eat some raw fucking rice and leave me alone!!!!!

**the daddy friend:** shut up kuroo

**the daddy friend:** i’ll get suga to talk to hinata

**the daddy friend:** and i’ll talk to kageyama!!

**the daddy friend:** thank you all!!

**INUOKA_SOU:** no problem!!

**KOGANEGAWA:** glad to help!

**tall stupid and deceased:** i hope it all works out

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** they’ll be so cute but also terrifying on court i can't wait to crush them

**churro:** wtf

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** kita-san bullied us :(

**cowboy hat emoji:** Absolutely blasphemous of you to say. I did no such thing.

**the daddy friend:** well at any rate

**the daddy friend:** i’ll get back to you on that

**INUOKA_SOU:** i can’t believe tsukishima is choosing to stay out of this drama he is obviously online

**churro:** why tf is everyone’s gayness working out for them except me

**the daddy friend:** don’t fucking jinx it you black cat

**churro:** woah!! rude!!

**shiratorizawasfutureace:** aahh cos he’s unlucky ahaha i got it NICE DAICHI-SAN

**the daddy friend:** *sigh*

**the daddy friend:** thank you, goshiki-kun

**moniwa_k:** once again: dad friend CONFIRMED

* * *

_ Direct Message: lilyama and noitslikefirefly _

[12:18 am]

**Kei ~ ♡:** dear lord

**Kei ~ ♡:** holy fuck.

**Kei ~ ♡:** tadashi...

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** what

**Kei ~ ♡:** i’m fucking hysterical

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** ?

**Kei ~ ♡:** just

**Kei ~ ♡:** give me a minute i’m

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** tsukki please i feel like youre making fun of me somehow

**Kei ~ ♡:** i’m not i swear

**Kei ~ ♡:** but there’s seriously a group chat

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** yea ?

**Kei ~ ♡:** just to help bokuto with his thirst

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** yea ??

**Kei ~ ♡:** for kuroo

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** … i think that was established 

**Kei ~ ♡:** okay idiots

**Kei ~ ♡:** the both of them 

**Kei ~ ♡:** denser than fucking plutonium

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** tsukishima kei you better explain yourself or so help me

**Kei ~ ♡:** sorry strawberry 

**Kei ~ ♡:** but would you believe me if i told you that instead of talking to each other about it or even to a mutual best friend like me or akaashi

**Kei ~ ♡:** certain that the other did not requite the feeling, they each made group chats to look for advice

**Kei ~ ♡:** somehow without any overlapping contacts until now

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** bullshit

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** what is this, a completely uninspired, ultra low budget fanfic

**Kei ~ ♡:** well it’s true

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** what that this is a fanfic

**Kei ~ ♡:** i can neither confirm nor deny that statement

**Kei ~ ♡:** but yes they did make those group chats

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** no fucking WAY

**Kei ~ ♡:** i’m going to die tadashi i can’t breathe how are they this stupid i swear

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** stay with me babe

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** i’m too broke to pay for funeral flowers just stick it out a bit longer

**Kei ~ ♡:** if i must

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** okay but

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** we gotta break it to them

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** add them each to both chats and see how long they can keep up the pretense

**Kei ~ ♡:** … you are fucking diabolical

**Kei ~ ♡:** i am in love with a supervillain

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** those two could be at it for DAYS without letting anything slip

**Kei ~ ♡:** okay you’ve got me on board

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** perfect

**Tadashi ~ ✿:** let’s go fuck their shit the fuck up

* * *

_ Group Conversation: this is an intervention _

[12:46 am]

**yahaboi:** can somebody help oikawa has been overtraining again and i really don’t know what to do

**emo slayer:** what about iwaizumi? i’m sure he will be able to talk some sense into him

**yahaboi:** iwaizumi uh,

**yeah nope:** iwaizumi is the problem you see

**fruitagucci:** yikes what happened?

**yahaboi:** well since it’s pretty much the end of the school year and they’re going to different universities, oikawa’s been acting bratty

**anglebangs:** so no change really

**yeah nope:** hey.,, shirabu?? can u uh .., tRY not..,, being an ASSHOLE for one (1) minute.. uh idk,,., if u accept Constructive™ Criticism on ur texts ? just a thought :))

**also proud of foxyyboi:** Whoo okay there Kunimi

**anglebangs:** fine.

**anglebangs:** sorry.

**anglebangs:** go on?

**yahaboi:** see, iwaizumi got annoyed

**yahaboi:** at that and something to do with hanamaki and matsukawa and space movies in the other chat as well

**yahaboi:** so he’s kind of been avoiding people

**yahaboi:** even kentarou’s stupid challenges aren’t interesting him

**yeah nope:** basically oikawa thinks it’s his fault and is taking it out on himself as a result

**teradshima:** that is a pickle. 

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** can i help?

**yeah nope:** do you even know oikawa

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** actually i do

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** he texted me a meme about cosmopolitan and our friendship sprung from there

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** besides, i get it. taking shit out on yourself, i mean

**Dumb and Whipped for Keiji:** fuck this really isn't the right tone just a mo

_ [ Dumb and Whipped for Keiji has changed his name to Miya Atsumu ] _

_ [ Miya Atsumu has changed Dumb and Whipped for Atsumu's name to Akaashi Keiji ] _

**Miya Atsumu:** point being, if you let us know some more, i think i can help

**Akaashi Keiji:** Please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it does

**Akaashi Keiji:** Atsumu?

**Miya Atsumu:** hey, you don’t have to worry

**Miya Atsumu:** it wasn’t what you think

**Miya Atsumu:** besides, i don’t

**Miya Atsumu:** anymore

**proud of foxyyboi:** It was bad, Atsumu! You were hospitalized! Fuck, dude, you can’t just brush it off like that!

**proud of foxyyboi:** I thought you were going to DIE

**Miya Atsumui:** osamu please that was two years ago and i don’t want to talk about it

**Miya Atsumu:** you and rintarou helped a lot you know, i probably would have relapsed if you didn't keep checking up on my eating

**Miya Atsumu:** aran and gin and kosaku too

**Miya Atsumu:** let us not forget Mama Kita-san

**Akaashi Keiji:** ... Atsumu

**Miya Atsumu:** hey

**Miya Atsumu:** it’s still me

**Akaashi Keiji:** I’m so sorry

**Akaashi Keiji:** But Atsumu, I can't...

**Miya Atsumu:** keiji

**Miya Atsumu:** KEIJI

**proud of foxyyboi:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ABOUT TO SAY TO MY BROTHER IF YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR THIS I AM GOING TO MAKE ONIGIRI FROM YOUR SPLEEN

**Akaashi Keiji:** IT’S NOT THAT

**Akaashi Keiji:** I’m just glad

**Akaashi Keiji:** That you got over it

**Akaashi Keiji:** And

**Akaashi Keiji:** Atsumu 

**Miya Atsumu:** hey?

**Akaashi Keiji:** that’s good skkngfng

**Akaashi Keiji:** but

**Akaashi Keiji:** kfkgjfhfgnnmdfgm i don’t

**Akaashi Keiji:** HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET OVER IT

**Miya Atsumu:** i’m coming over

**Miya Atsumu:** what is it that’s wrong? keiji please i need to know

**Akaashi Keiji:** Ahahhaaagh

**Akaashi Keiji:** well not to be Taht bitch but everythin u can think of porbably

**Akaashi Keiji:** i dont wanmt to tell everoyne i donT WANT U ALL to WRORY about me

**Akaashi Keiji:** gah shit i tore the scabbign again im outof antisetpic cream

**Miya Atsumu:** oh my god keiji no

**Miya Atsumu:** how recent?

**Akaashi Keiji:** it wasm befor eour date pls atsumu it has NOHTING to do with u

**Akaashi Keiji:** … five dyys

**Miya Atsumu:** fuck

**Miya Atsumu:** fucking shit!

**Miya Atsumu:** DONT YOU DARE MOVE AN INCH IM COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND YOU CANT STOP ME

**Akaashi Keiji:** i.. thannk u but. iyts 1 in the morening

**Miya Atsumu:** I DON’T CARE

**proud of foxyyboi:** I WILL DRIVE HIM EVEN THOUGH TOKYO MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL STREET WISE

**WisdomOfTheAce:** DONT SWEAT IT ILL DRIVE YOU BOTH MYSELF

**Miya Atsumu:** AND WE’LL SKYPE OIKAWA AND FUCKING B E A T IT !!!

**Miya Atsumu:** THERE’S TOO MANY GOOD THINGS IN OUR LIVES TO HURT OURSELVES OVER THE BAD ONES

**Shark:** Yeah. Okay. You’re right. I need to stick it out.

**yahaboi:** thank you guys so much for oikawa

**yahaboi:** akaashi: i know it can sound empty, but really, really hope it gets better for you soon.

**also proud of foxyyboi:** I don’t know you as well as I should, but after Atsumu’s suffering I don’t want anyone ever to go through that shit again. You can beat this.

**fruitagucci:** akaashi we all have your back we swear

**teradshima:** WERE HERE FOR EVERYONE ELSE

**overgrown assmushroom:** MHMM

**overgrown assmushroom:** i’ve had my own issues unfortunately but! i’m over that thanks to my team, love y’all, so if it can help in any way, i’d like to connect to that call as well and i’ll do my best

**Akaashi Keiji:** I

**Akaashi Keiji:** Thank you

**Akaashi Keiji:** So much

**Akaashi Keiji:** Of course Tendou

**Akaashi Keiji:** If anyone else can help I would appreciate you in the call as well

**snemismeita:** of course

**anglebangs:** we’re here for you

**fruitagucci:** wow even shirabu

**anglebangs:** give it a fucken rest futakuchi i do have a heart and maybe?? this is a personal experience?? as well

**fruitagucci:** i’m sorry man

**teradshima:** yeah me too

**teradshima:** ur a good guy shirabu

**yeah nope:** this is really good

**yeah nope:** the support network here

**yeah nope:** Akaashi, please remember that you are the one who brought us all together and that we absolutely owe all of this to you. So thank you. You mean more to us than you could possibly know.

**fruitagucci:** that goes for EVERYONE here who is struggling with that kind of shit

**teradshima:** kick its ass

**mooshijima:** We believe in you.

**Akaashi Keiji:** I’m… speechless

**Akaashi Keiji:** God.

**Akaashi Keiji:** I’m so, so glad I made this group

* * *

_ Group Conversation: this is an intervention  _

[1:25 am]

**lilyama:** i’m so sorry i missed this important message

**noitslikefirefly:** me too

**noitslikefirefly:** akaashi, third gym wouldn’t have been the same without you . you’re crucial to us, and to everyone else, and you can fight it

**Akaashi Keiji:** I’m getting kind of tired of saying thank you, but

**Akaashi Keiji:** Consider it said already

**WisdomOfTheAce:** THATS MORE LIEK IT!!!

**lilyama:** on another note and hopefully one to lighten the conversation for us all,

**lilyama:** tsukki and i have come to the conclusion about something very important

**noitslikefirefly:** to set a turning point for the group chats

**lilyama:** bokuto, you are rather dense. but so is he so we’ll take things into our own hands on your behalf

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ??

**noitslikefirelfy:** you forced our hand

**noitslikefirefly:** we had no choice

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ??????

_ [  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ has added  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ to the conversation ] _

**Miya Atsumu:** well. i sense things are gonna get real interesting

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ the land where the bong trees grow _

[1:28 am]

_ [  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ has added  _ _ WisdomOfTheAce _ _ to the conversation ] _

**the daddy friend:** AHHAHAHAH

* * *

_ Direct Message:  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ and  _ _ WisdomOfTheAce _

[1:28 am]

**the Bird:** WHAT THE F U C K BRO

**megane kun:** LMAO GET REKT

**the Bird:** I UNBLOCKED U AFTER THAT SHIT U PULLED WITH THE MEME AND THIS IS HOW U DO ME

**the Bird:** TSUKKI IM GOING TO SPIKE UR FUCKING FACE

**megane kun:** I’M FOUR HOURS AWAY IDIOT

**the Bird:** JAJKSAHJSAHSAVBVABVDJKJKH

* * *

_ Direct Message:  _ _ noitslikefirefly _ _ and  _ _ tetsurhoe _

[1:28 am]

**felicia hardy:** tsukishima kei

**felicia hardy:** what THE FUCK, exactly, do u think ur doing

**6’ 3” stringbean:** suck it up buttercup

**felicia hardy:** ur a real charmer ;)) u know that

**felicia hardy:** MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD

**6’ 3” stringbean:** aww you love me :)

**felicia hardy:** LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW DO I LOOK LIKE I LOVE U

**6’ 3” stringbean:** i wouldn’t know i can’t see your face

**felicia hardy:** I HATE U

**6’ 3” stringbean:** yeah but i’m still your bitch

**felicia hardy:** im calling dadchi this is harassment!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many things to think about concerning yesterday's manga chapter.
> 
> Summary of section three for anyone who may have skipped it due to the content warning:  
> \- Things are tense between Oikawa and Iwaizumi because of stress regarding universities, so Oikawa has been overtraining and Yahaba asks the group chat if they can help out with calming Oikawa down  
> \- Atsumu volunteers immediately, as he's friends with Oikawa. He briefly mentions his own mental health struggles  
> \- This leads to Akaashi breaking down about his own mental health and negative coping mechanisms; the rest of the chat offer messages of support to Akaashi and some members mention they've been through similar things and want to help everyone still suffering also get over things, so to speak.  
> \- Akaashi, Atsumu, Tendou, and potentially some other members Skype Oikawa to talk about things and support each other. (The Skype call is not included in the chapter).
> 
> I was hesitant to include this section in the story because I did want this to be a light-hearted and easy read; however, I felt it wouldn't be true to the characters Furudate wrote to wholly gloss over their neuroses, and wanted to put some of this fic towards exploring that and ultimately offering a message of support to any readers who may need it, especially given the, y'know, global circumstances.
> 
> Mental health issues are a very complex topic and obviously I'm no expert in the field, but I hope my brief depiction did the characters justice and that it didn't upend the tone of this fic too far. I don't think I'll be including anything as angsty in the future, it's important to me that this is first and foremost a _fun story_ , and so I hope you'll still continue with the two chapters I have left despite the tonal shift of this chapter. :)
> 
> Also, not to be _that person_ but honestly... baking bread has been really good. I've made far too many baguettes this month. I had to shove that into the story somewhere.
> 
> Kuroo probably put sugar in his dough the first time instead of salt. And unfortunately, I don't know if he learned his lesson or not.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Akaashi Keiji:** Bokuto
> 
>  **WisdomOfTheAce:** fkhdshjssbbsksjwvwbwnsjw take me god im ready t Die
> 
>  **Akaashi Keiji:** Absolutely not  
>  **Akaashi Keiji:** I am bros with God and I can tell you he is not ready to have you bumbling through Heaven yet
> 
>  **tetsurhoe:** does god approve of me keiji-chan
> 
>  **Akaashi Keiji:** Call me that again and you lose three inches off your dick :) And God says the only reason he hasn't fucking sniped you to Hell yet is because Lucifer has a thing for himbos and God wants him to starve
> 
>  **tetsurhoe:** i cant believe u would threaten my dick like this...  
>  **tetsurhoe:** and what the fuck im not a himbo
> 
>  **emo slayer:** debatable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! Some stuff was going on in my life. Nothing drastic, but it did mean I was quite busy for the past week and will be busy this week as well (looking to upload Chapter 11 Tuesday next week instead of this Friday, sorry folks!)
> 
> More content warnings: if discussion surrounding depression and suicidal language is triggering for you, please skip the first section! (Beginning " _Direct Message: aobajousaiace and oikawahahaha_ | [3:47 am]") and pick up again for the second section (beginning " _Group Conversation: this is an intervention_ | [10:29 am]")
> 
> Without further ado, the penultimate chapter:
> 
> (Man, don't you just love that word?)

_ Direct Message:  _ _ aobajousaiace _ _ and  _ _ oikawahahaha _

[3:47 am]

**trash? trash:** iawchhan

**trash? trash:** IWAACAN

**trash? trash:** pls iwchan

**hajime <3:** oh my god oikawa

**hajime <3:** you haven’t spoken to me in DAYS you asshole i was fucking worried

**trash? trash:** ohh im so soryy iwachan :( ((

**hajime <3:** oikawa tooru are you absolutely sober right now

**trash? trash:** of corse

**trash? trash:** cuorse

**trash? trash:** coures

**trash? trash:** ahahah fuck

**hajime <3:** oikawa please i don’t know what’s going on with you right now but i feel like shit when you avoid me like

**hajime <3:** and i know it’s my fault but i don’t even know what i did so

**hajime <3:** please, talk to me

**hajime <3: **and if there’s somehow something that can’t be fixed between us at least let us end it on our own terms

**trash? trash:** hajime its not

**trash? trash:** im a fuccking mess iwa chan

**trash? trash:** it sn ot ur fault in any way ist just that im a fucked up beign and i dony knowe how to save this rletaitonship

**hajime <3:** your typing is really bothering me oikawa, are you drunk?? is everything all right???

**hajime <3:** hold on i’m coming over

**trash? trash:** no imm just crying . lol

**hajime <3:** i’m coming over

**trash? trash:** no plea se dont

**trash? trash:** i can get it together.

**trash? trash:** this is something i’m not brave enough to say to you

**trash? trash:** so just let me text you instead please

**hajime <3:** i

**hajime <3:** okay

**trash? trash:** i just want to say this because we’re going off to university soon

**trash? trash:** different universities

**hajime <3:** yeah

**trash? trash:** so if i fuck this up

**trash? trash:** if i fuck US up

**trash? trash:** then we don’t have to live with the consequences in person anymore

**hajime <3:** i don’t understand

**trash? trash:** it’s not a joke, hajime

**trash? trash:** i know you thought it was and so i went along with it 

**trash? trash:** because despite how hard it was i was never strong enough to give you up

**hajime <3:** oikawa tooru what the fuck are you talking about

**trash? trash:** it was NEVER a joke

**trash? trash:** i have the stupidest, most painful and ridiculous thing for you i can't even call a crush, because that's not strong enough of a word to describe how fucking much you mess me up

**trash? trash:** i’m in love with you, iwaizumi hajime, and i was never brave enough to tell you

**trash? trash:** that’s the big goddamn secret

**trash? trash:** this dumb as fucking shit moron of a fuckup here has been in love with his best friend for six years :)

**hajime <3:** ... wow

**trash? trash:** i don’t want your fucking pity! i don’t want excuses! i just want the goddamn rejection from you so i can finally move on from this and not have to see your stupid beautiful face every day for the next four stupid years of my life and i don’t care if it’s over like. i’ll care but i’ll let it go because my fucking heartbreak isn’t worth your friendship so you know what? hate me instead that will make it so much easier and i just...

**trash? trash:** god, hajime, i’m so tired. of this. all of it. life. i wish it would just fucking end already

**hajime <3:** alright

**hajime <3: **just like... hold the phone

**hajime <3:** okay?

**hajime <3: **first of all, i could never hate you

**hajime <3:** and second, i am most definitely coming to your house because that ‘tired of everything’ line there? ‘let it just end’? you know what that is? that’s not a line you’re ever going to say again and i am in no fucking way letting you off yourself because there is so much more we need to sort out and whatever the fuck comes from this emotional shitfest, it’s still enough to keep you here

**hajime <3:** the team and your family and the school and the big bad volleyball world out there waiting for you and every damn life you’ve managed to touch with your amazing self, it would never want to see you go.

**hajime <3:** and there’s me. tooru, i don’t ever want to see you die. ever. whatever the hell our relationship is, be it best friends or anything the fuck else, it’s pretty damn strong. this is the cheesiest fucking line ever and i know you’ll never let me hear the end of this when you come to your damn senses but.

**hajime <3:** oikawa tooru, if you die, it is one hundred thousand percent guaranteed that would absolutely destroy my life. like. i’m pretty sure whatever gods are up there are contractually obliged to kill me as well, and i know you’d feel guilty about that wherever the hell your uploaded-to-an-alien-database afterlife is and i do not need your guilt because that shit is a useless fucking emotion

**hajime <3:** ugh what a long rant my fingers hurt

**hajime <3:** but you got my fucking point? you got it? tell me now, do you understand everything i just said? yeah?

**trash? trash:** yeah.......

**hajime <3:** look idiot i don’t even know how my emotions around you work either but whether it’s platonic or more than that, i know that i love you.

**hajime <3:** trashykawa tooru, i love you, and so here i am, right outside your front door at 4 in the morning to tell you that in person, and we’re going to go inside, and sit on your arecibo message duvet you’ve had since we were seven, right at that spot against the wall underneath the volleyball team photo, and i’m going to talk you you, and you’re going to talk to me, and we’ll sort this big shit pile of emotional garbage out, because i never ever ever want you out of my life, ever, so guess what? you’re stuck with me too, nerd.

**hajime <3:** we’re fucking bonded for life.

**trash? trash:** … hey….

**hajime <3:** LET ME IN ASSHAT IT’S TEN DEGREES OUT HERE

**trash? trash:** but

**hajime <3:** you really gonna let me freeze like that? really? look man i know you’re going through some big fat emotional turmoil here but you’re seriously going to be that kind of dick? huh? have i mentioned it is FOUR FUCKING OH FIVE AM?

**trash? trash:** …. no

**hajime <3:** good because for a moment i really thought you were gonna hide from your feelings again and leave me locked out here, asshole

**trash? trash:** oh my god

**trash? trash:** how are you this perfect

**trash? trash:** i love you so fucking much

**trash? trash:** i love you.

**hajime <3:** i know.

**trash? trash:** yeah

**trash? trash:** wait

**trash? trash:** WAIT IWA-CHAN WAS THAT A FUCKING STAR WARS REFERENCE

**hajime <3:** ………. maybe

* * *

_ Group Conversation:  _ _ this is an intervention _

[10:29 am]

**tetsurhoe:** whose intervention

**WisdomOfTheAce:** . no intervention

**mooshijima:** Your intervention

**fruitagucci:** what intervention 

**teradshima:** our intervention?? ;)

**Miya Atsumu:** what does that even mean idiots

**fruitagucci:** fuck off we’re in LOVE

**tetsurhoe:** ew!!!! gay

**fruitagucci:** my man it takes one to know one

**Akaashi Keiji:** All of you need to shut the hell up

**tetsurhoe:** ok. thats fair

**ssssuguru:** right and what’s going on

**tetsurhoe:** do mine eyes deceive me

**tetsurhoe:** SNAKE

**tetsurhoe:** IS MY INTERVENTION WITH HIM EWW NO NO

**ssssuguru:** shut your face fool or i’ll shut it for you

**fruitagucci:** mhm i bet you will ;)

**Miya Atsumu:** BRUH

**tetsurhoe:** im calling the fucking cops 911 hello

**ssssuguru:** GROSS I HAVE A GF

**WisdomOfTheAce:** shut up futakuchi nobody thinks ur funny

**teradshima:** OBJECTION YOUR HONOR

**Miya Atsumu:** youre biased you don’t count

**teradshima:** YOU DONT COUNT NOBODY LIKES YOU

**fruitagucci:** aw ty babe ;)

**Miya Atsumu:** OSAMU

**proud of foxyyboi:** Nobody likes any of you

**also proud of foxyyboi:** ^

**fruitagucci:** RUDE

**teradshima:** RUDE

**Miya Atsumu:** BACK ME UP YOU DICKSTICKS

**tetsurhoe:** who R U PEOPLE ANYWAY

**overgrown assmushroom:** ur MOM

**emo slayer:** EVERYONE SHUT UP

**fruitagucci:** i’m sorry don’t hurt me

**teradshima:** me either

**overgrown assmushroom:** or me!!  i still haven’t travelled the world don’t kill me i’m too young to die

**tetsurhoe:** spare me too, bride of dadchi

**Akaashi Keiji:** Well. It most certainly is time for an intervention

**Akaashi Keiji:** Bokuto

**WisdomOfTheAce:** fkhdshjssbbsksjwvwbwnsjw take me god im ready t Die

**Akaashi Keiji:** Absolutely not

**Akaashi Keiji:** I am bros with God and I can tell you he is not ready to have you bumbling through Heaven yet

**tetsurhoe:** does god approve of me keiji-chan

**Akaashi Keiji:** Call me that again and you lose three inches off your dick :) And God says the only reason he hasn't fucking sniped you to Hell yet is because Lucifer has a thing for himbos and God wants him to starve

**tetsurhoe:** i cant believe u would threaten my dick like this...

**tetsurhoe:** and what the fuck im not a himbo

**emo slayer:** debatable

**WisdomOfTheAce:** hes not!!

**teradshima:** from the mouths of babes...

**fruitagucci:** simp <3

**WisdomOfTheAce:** shut up

**Akaashi Keiji:** You're both textbook himbos and I'm embarrassed I know you.

**tetsurhoe:** i came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now

**Akaashi Keiji:** I came out to attack people and i’m honestly having such a good time right now

**emo slayer:** i need an aspirin, this is too much

**fruitagucci:** lemme tell you what’s too much amirite right yuuji ;)

**Miya Atsumu:** NO GOD PLEASE

**teradshima:** god hates you atsumu

**Akaashi Keiji:** Wrong. My buddy dude, God, shines his approval brightly upon my chosen consort

**overgrown assmushroom:** he loves love...

**WisdomOfTheAce:** WHT IS GOING ON RIGHT NPW

**tetsurhoe:** I DONT KNOW!!!!

**mooshijima:** The intervention.

**Akaashi Keiji:** Yes!

**mooshijima:** You two have to

**mooshijima:** What’s the term

**mooshijima:** Tendou, help me out

**overgrown assmushroom:** oooh

**overgrown assmushroom:** BONE

**mooshijima:** ... No, but continue

**WisdomOfTheAce:** WHAT

**Miya Atsumu:** BONE UR DUMB AS SHIT LONGCAT ALREADY

**tetsurhoe:** …

**WisdomOfTheAce:** SHUT THE FUCK UP ATSUMU

**tetsurhoe:** …. oh my god you like LEV ????

**Akaashi Keiji:** ... This is going worse than expected

**WisdomOfTheAce:** kjgsgdhDJSVSKSJGSS;$!;:?:&@?/???

**ssssuguru:** even God can’t save us now

**tetsurhoe:** OH MY GOD YAKU IS GONNA KILL U

**tetsurhoe:** fucKING LEG IM CACKLING

**Akaashi Keiji:** Why are my friends such fucking morons

**tetsurhoe:** GIMME ALL THE DEETS SIS

**tetsurhoe:** WHEN DID THIS ALL START

**tetsurhoe:** I WANT NAMES DATES NUMBERS

**tetsurhoe:** BRO IM CRYING HOW... LEG OF ALL PEOPLE

**WisdomOfTheAce:** dude

**ssssuguru:** jinkies

**tetsurhoe:** TELL ME ALL

**WisdomOfTheAce:** kuroo

**tetsurhoe:** does hinata know?? kid'll be thrilled

**WisdomOfTheAce:** if u could stop for 1 SECOND

**tetsurhoe:** sorry

**tetsurhoe:** shoot

**WisdomOfTheAce:** i DONT like lev

**WisdomOfTheAce:** and frankly im a lil insulted u thought so i do have standards

**tetsurhoe:** naw u dont but go on

**emo slayer:** i’ll just not mention that slight against yaku but okay

**WisdomOfTheAce:** yeah dont im already gonna be murdered by kaashi once this is all over

**Akaashi Keiji:** You’re not wrong

**WisdomOfTheAce:** im SORRY

**Akaashi Keiji:** Granted, it’s not entirely your fault, it’s just that you and Pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo-san here are idiots

**tetsurhoe:** rude im class 5

**fruitagucci:** yeah but you’re still a FOOL

**tetsurhoe:** i dont know u so im ignoring that

**WisdomOfTheAce:** could yall let me talk ok jeezus i feel like im gonna puke

**tetsurhoe:** sorry bro

**WisdomOfTheAce:** i do really like a Dumb Longcat but it’s not lev, okay

**WisdomOfTheAce:** excuse me for calling u dumb but yeah :|

**tetsurhoe:** wait what

**WisdomOfTheAce:** . kuroo

 **WisdomOfTheAce:** i like you, man

**fruitagucci:** damn I DIDN’T THINK HE’D GO THROUGH WITH IT

**teradshima:** YOU OWE ME ELEVEN BURGERS KENJI

**fruitagucci:** DONT REMIND ME

**WisdomOfTheAce:** ….

**tetsurhoe:** oh my god

**teradshima:** EPIC CANT BELIEVE I CALLED IT FOR ONCE

**WisdomOfTheAce:** …

**WisdomOfTheAce:** sorry

**WisdomOfTheAce:** i cant be here right now

**tetsurhoe:** wait wait bokuto don’t

_ [  _ _ WisdomOfTheAce _ _ has left the conversation] _

**fruitagucci:** I CALLED THAT THO. YOU OWE ME 28 PAPER AIRPLANES

**teradshima:** DAMMIT

**Miya Atsumu:** guys give it a rest

**emo slayer:** now is absolutely not the fucking time

**teradshima:** aww

**emo slayer:** i mean it

**tetsurhoe:** FUCK.

**Akaashi Keiji:** Kuroo-san?

**tetsurhoe:** he

**tetsurhoe:** Bokuto blocked me

**Akaashi Keiji:** God, I’m so sorry

**tetsurhoe:** youre all assholes

_ [  _ _ tetsurhoe _ _ has left the conversation ] _

**emo slayer:** now look what we’ve done

* * *

_ Direct Message:  _ _ littlegiant2.0 _ _ and  _ _ WisdomOfTheAce _

[11:02 pm]

**OWL DAD!!:** hinata

**OWL DAD!!:** i fucked up

**sun son:** WHAT HAPPENED??

**OWL DAD!!:** <3 the enthusiasm as always but i cant really deal w allcaps rn my guy

**sun son:** okay sorry about that

**sun son:** what’s wrong?

**OWL DAD!!:** i told myself i wasnt going to do it but then they added him and kaashi was being weird and some annoying second years were pressuring me and everything came at the wrong time and

**OWL DAD!!:** i did it

**OWL DAD!!:** i FINALLY told fucking Kuroo i liked him and he thought it was a joke

**sun son:** i’m sure he didn’t, bokuto-san

**OWL DAD!!:** he thought i liked LEV

**sun son:** …

**sun son:** okay yeah that is bad.

**OWL DAD!!:** yeah

**OWL DAD!!:** but schools ending in a few weeks so i wont have to worry about that anymore

**OWL DAD!!:** no more playing against DUMB CAT with his DUMB HAIR and his DUMB SMIRK and the DUMB BLOCK and

**OWL DAD!!:** i guess its for the best

**OWL DAD!!:** get over him faster

**sun son:** don’t say that!!

**sun son:** he likes you a lot, you know

**sun son:** it’s not my place to say, but it’s probably the same way you do

**OWL DAD!!:** yea excuse me if i dont feel like taking relationship advice from a guy who keeps trying to get with a lesbian because he cant fucking come to terms with a gay crush

**sun son:** …

**OWL DAD!!:** im sorry kiddo im being a dick, i didnt mean that

**sun son:** no, you did mean it

**sun son:** but you're right

**sun son:** i shouldn’t be avoiding the team and stressing yachi out, it’s unfair on them i don’t know how to deal

**OWL DAD!!:** i cant believe were texting like normal people for once

**sun son:** it’s just that bad, huh?

**OWL DAD!!:** naturally

**sun son:** it’s not fair at all to jeopardize our entire team because i can’t keep my head together

**sun son:** daichi and suga were arguing the other day. they pretend to be fine around the rest of us but i know that they aren’t perfect right now

**sun son:** and it’s probably because of me

**OWL DAD!!:** no, hinata u shouldnt blame yourself for that

**sun son:** i already know it is my fault though

**sun son:** so i want to talk to him

**sun son:** kageyama i mean

**OWL DAD!!:** thats...... really brave of u

**sun son:** even if he doesn’t feel like i do or want to take it anywhere, we are a pair on the court and we’ll keep the other players together as well, so us talking and playing together again is already so much better than this.... whatever it is right now

**sun son:** it doesn’t matter anymore

**sun son:** i just have to stop being selfish

**OWL DAD!!:** … wow

**OWL DAD!!:** youve really matured since the last time we met

**sun son:** haha of course

**sun son:** tsukishima kei of all people, had to knock some sense into me

**OWL DAD!!:** hey

**OWL DAD!!:** good old tsukki

**sun son:** annoying jerk but he’s a good guy to lean on

**sun son:** not physically

**sun son:** id poke a hole in my skull on his dumb bony shoulders

**OWL DAD!!:** if u could even reach his shoulders standing

**sun son:** HEY

**OWL DAD!!:** lmao

**OWL DAD!!:** but seriously though

**OWL DAD!!:** thank u loads for this

**sun son:** no problem

**OWL DAD!!:** ur a pretty solid guy hinata

**sun son:** aww thanks dad

**sun son:** best of luck to you and kuroo?

**OWL DAD!!:** best of luck to you and kageyama

**sun son:** merci goku

**OWL DAD!!:** huh i didn’t know you spoke italian

**sun son:** haha close but not quite, it’s spanish for thank you lol

**OWL DAD!!:** well Spanish Thanks to u as well!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Inarizaki Discord server is hosting a HQ-themed skribbl.io game this weekend if any of you would be interested in joining us for a few rounds! You can just DM me on Tumblr for an invite link to the server, hope to see you there :)
> 
> Summary of section one for anyone who may have skipped it due to the content warning:  
> \- Oikawa direct messages Iwaizumi to confess his feelings because he isn't brave enough to do so in person  
> \- Iwaizumi comes over to comfort Oikawa and bullies him into letting him inside his house (it is 4 am)  
> \- No concrete confirmation that the feeling is mutual, Iwaizumi isn't really sure what he feels, but they're going to talk it out and the resolution of the section is ambiguous  
> \- Iwaizumi makes a fucking Star Wars reference and Oikawa loses his shit because he's gay and in love
> 
> It's been a ride and it is ending, my friends. Hopefully I'll have this fic wrapped up and done with this time next week! No guarantees because **bruh moment** the Jump series (serieses?) I'm currently following didn't update this week and won't update until next Monday, and I don't know what emotional state I'll be in when I finish reading the new chapters, but for you... I will try my best. Also hoping I don't have a fuck ton of papers due in either. We shall see.
> 
> Join the skribbl so you can see me poorly illustrate Oikawa Tooru's flat ass.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ironwall_2:** I wouldn’t really know firsthand, but I think love is when you care really deeply for a person and their well-being, and want to see them flourish to the best version of themselves they can be.
> 
>  **litbero:** boo  
>  **litbero:** love is like dropping a mentos in the coke can of your heart!  
>  **litbero:** explosive, messy and full of sugar if u know what i mean uwu  
>  **litbero:** but it’s never more fun than while it lasts ;)
> 
>  **God.:** just woke up. what the fuck
> 
>  **i deserve cake:** why are you guys sleeping in so late do i need to phone a hospital
> 
>  **God.:** yes but that’s unrelated
> 
>  **settersrc00l:** ?????????????
> 
>  **God.:** love is ALSO an undisclosed medical condition
> 
>  **litbero:** and i’m a carrier for it, babey!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out there was a LOT to fit into this chapter so I've had to break it into two chapters! Thus I'll be uploading the 12th chapter on Friday if all goes to plan.
> 
> This means I get to use the word penultimate twice! Yay!

_Direct Message:_ _littlegiant2.0_ _and_ _settersrc00l_

[1:32 pm]

**dumb of ass:** kageyama?

 **dumb of ass:** this might be a weird question, but what do you think love is?

**stop yelling:** um

 **stop yelling:** why do you ask

**dumb of ass:** sorry i’ve been kind of absent lately

 **dumb of ass:** there’s just some crazy emotional stuff i need to sort through!!

 **dumb of ass:** i just want to hear your thoughts i guess

**stop yelling:** i mean i doubt i’m an expert

**dumb of ass:** lol

**stop yelling:** hey, YOU asked ME

**dumb of ass:** i know i know

 **dumb of ass:** you’re my friend, though

 **dumb of ass:** i trust your answers

**stop yelling:** give me one moment?

**dumb of ass:** okay

 **dumb of ass:** thank you

* * *

_Group Conversation:_ _beyoncé club_

[1:34 pm]

**settersrc00l:** guys what is love

**iconhanamontana** : BABY DON’T HURT ME

**cheezesteank:** DON’T HURT ME

**iconhanamontana:** NO MORE

**cheezesteank:** WHAT IS LOVE?

**iconhanamontana:** BABY DON’T HURT ME

**settersc00l:** i’m serious!!

**iconhanamontana:** nothing is more serious than comic relief my child

**WisdomOfTheAce:** love is dead

_[_ _WisdomOfTheAce_ _has left the conversation ]_

**i deserve cake:** wow

**im_babey:** awww

**princess leia:** apparently things didn’t go very well for him in the other chat :(

**litbero:** prayers for a strong gay comrade-in-arms…

**aobajousaiace:** oh that sucks :/

 **aobajousaiace:** i don’t really know what we can do about him since he’s left though

 **aobajousaiace:** kageyama, though: what happened?

**settersrc00l:** hinata just dmed me out of nowhere and asked me what i thought love was idk wtf he would ask me that

 **settersrc00l:** idk he and yachi seem to have gotten over their weirdness from the past little bit and they keep hanging out so i think they started dating and just didn’t tell the rest of us yet

 **settersrc00l:** hinatas emotions can be kind of crazy but i didn’t think he’d start calling it LOVE at this point

**aobajousaiace:** wait, what makes you think yachi and hinata are dating?

**settersrc00l:** you know

 **settersrc00l:** they like hang out and shit

 **settersrc00l:** he goes over to her place a lot for “tutoring” and sometimes they just talk between them at training and if i make eye contact with hinata he just turns really red and one time he ran away and yachi always goes after him to comfort him and stuff

 **settersrc00l:** like couple things

**aobajousaiace:** … i think that’s just what friendship is

**ironwall_2:** Forgive my slight against our friend, but Hinata’s not all … there, academically, is he? I think it really just is tutoring, Kageyama.

**settersrc00l:** yeah whatever i don’t want to go into specifics or whatever the hell about their relationship, can you guys just give me an answer? he’s waiting

**im_babey:** love IS

 **im_babey:** what else can we say :D

**kamichii:** nope too early for this philosophical bs

_[_ _kamichii_ _has left the conversation ]_

**noshit_chikara:** understandable sir

_[_ _noshit_chikara_ _has left the conversation ]_

**i deserve cake:** fuck's sake

**ironwall_2:** I wouldn’t really know firsthand, but I think love is when you care really deeply for a person and their well-being, and want to see them flourish to the best version of themselves they can be.

**litbero:** boo

 **litbero:** love is like dropping a mentos in the coke can of your heart!

 **litbero:** explosive, messy and full of sugar if u know what i mean uwu

 **litbero** : but it’s never more fun than while it lasts ;)

**God.:** just woke up. what the fuck

**i deserve cake:** why are you guys sleeping in so late do i need to phone a hospital

**God.:** yes but that’s unrelated

**settersrc00l:** ?????????????

**God.:** love is ALSO an undisclosed medical condition

**litbero:** and i’m a carrier for it, babey!

**fuk u itachi:** … Please never enter a relationship, Komori

**litbero:** u flatter me, sweetheart

**fuk u itachi:** We’re not dating

**litbero:** sure you keep telling yourself that

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** komori you’re fucking delusional

**litbero:** don’t be jealous darling it’s your turn to be my bf every monday wednesday and saturday

**fuk u itachi:** Restraining order?

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** restraining order.

**litbero:** :(

**settersrc00l:** …. love is when you want to file a restraining order against that person, got it

**litbero:** :)

**fuk u itachi:** Love is when you want to pour bleach down their throats until they’re not only purified of microbes but dead and thus purified before the eyes of God

**bird Boyy hnnh get it:** when you love someone it almost, ALMOST, transcends your desire to commit a fucking chainsaw homicide

**settersrc00l:** i’m learning so many new things about love today

**im_babey:** officer? yes this chat right here

_[_ _im_babey_ _has left the conversation ]_

**iconhanamontana:** to love each other is to care! to be kind!

**cheezesteank:** and to share!

**iconhanamontana:** i love my friend so i give him a hug!

**settersrc00l:** hinata and yachi hug a lot :(

**cheezesteank:** F gaymer boy

**iconhanamontana:** F

**litbero:** F

**God.:** F

**i deserve cake:** love is unnecessary and overrated platonic friendships are where it’s at

 **i deserve cake:** remember kids this is a whore-free zone

**aobajousaiace:** guys. friends can also love each other and recently i learned that love is in fact, a staple of friendship

**princess leia:** awww ur such a fucking sap hajime

**aobajousaiace:** shut up

**cheezesteank:** cease this X rated behaviour immediately

**iconhanamontana:** guys don’t you know, you must save your love for your special one!

**settersrc00l:** my special one?

**litbero:** everyone has a special one!

**i deserve cake:** shut up u pesky bee

**aobajousaiace:** yeah, none of us are actually being fucking helpful you know

**settersrc00l:** it’s fine i’ll just answer him myself i guess

**aobajousaiace:** hey, keep your chin up, kid

 **aobajousaiace:** if love is anything, i’ll say this: it’s that it’s unexpected

**settersc00l:** thanks

**princess leia:** :) besides the only one who’s allow to make you feel depressed is me so yeah go for it stinker

**settersrc00l:** … thanks too? especially from you oikawa-san that’s… nice?

**princess leia:** i TOLD u hajime, i’m a better senior to tobio-chan than you ever were

**fuk u itachi:** Mm, he spent all of training camp bitching about you

**princess leia:** WAIT WHAT

 **princess leia:** IN FRONT OF THE BEST AND CUTEST YOUTH PLAYERS IN JAPAN?????

 **princess leia:** FUCKING HOMOPHOBIC IM GOING TO WHOOP YOUR FUCKING ASS TOBIO

**settersrc00l:** sure

 **settersrc00l:** i choked thanking you anyways and it’s now taken back

 **settersrc00l:** bye bye

**litbero:** ... anyway if hinata’s a straightie i call dibs on kageyama

**fuk u itachi:** You need a goddamn therapist

* * *

_Direct Message:_ _littlegiant2.0_ _and_ _settersrc00l_

[2:26 pm]

**stop yelling:** i don’t really have a fancy answer but i went to the store so i thought about it a bit

 **stop yelling** : um

 **stop yelling:** i guess love should sort of be like a milk drink

**dumb of ass:** what the hell

**stop yelling:** shut up! i’m explaining!!

**dumb of ass:** ok, ok

**stop yelling:** it’s... dependable. if you’re hot it can cool you down. if you’re thirsty it can help that. if you’re sad it can cheer you up

 **stop yelling:** it’s the same price every day and it’s always there

 **stop yelling:** you have to put in money to get the milk back too, you can’t expect to have unlimited milk without giving something of yourself back in return

 **stop yelling:** and if you takes risks to try something new like a weird flavour you might not have considered before, you might find something that makes you enjoy drinking the milk more

 **stop yelling:** milk drinks are about being there when you need them and giving you as much back as you give them, and new experiences that broaden your taste so that’s why i think love is kind of the same

 **stop yelling:** i hope that helped answer your question

**dumb of ass:** wow

**stop yelling:** whatever

 **stop yelling:** so are you going to tell me who your milk drink is or am i going to have to get yachi to come clean about this

**dumb of ass:** no you’re right, it should be me that tells you

 **dumb of ass:** besides i think yachi’s on a date with some girl from tsukishima’s class right now so we probably shouldn’t disturb her lol

**stop yelling:** wait what

 **stop yelling:** yachi’s actually gay?

**dumb of ass:** ... yeah i mean she does mention it frequently

 **dumb of ass:** your head might just be too full of volleyball though :/

**stop yelling:** shut up i’m going to hit you

 **stop yelling:** i thought you guys were dating i’m so confused

**dumb of ass:** lol what??

 **dumb of ass:** we’re just friends kageyama and besides she’s super into girls and i’m

 **dumb of ass:** well

 **dumb of ass:** it turns out i’m into boys

**stop yelling:** seriously

**dumb of ass:** yup

**stop yelling:** so your milk drink is a dude???

**dumb of ass:** can you stop referring to it in this way???

**stop yelling:** i’m proud of my metamorph

**dumb of ass:** i think it’s called a matterhorn

 **dumb of ass:** but if you really insist

 **dumb of ass:** … you’re... my milk drink?

**stop yelling:** WHAT

**dumb of ass:** don’t be weird

**stop yelling:** you called me your milk drink i don’t think it’s possible to not be weird

**dumb of ass:** YOU INSISTED

**stop yelling:** I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS ME

**dumb of ass:** OH MY GOD YOU’RE BEING WEIRD

 **dumb of ass:** STOP AHH THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

**stop yelling:** you’re

 **stop yelling:** my milk drink too

 **stop yelling:** …

**dumb of ass:** WHAT

**stop yelling:** i see your point i’m never saying that again

**dumb of ass:** AHH REALLY  
**dumb of ass:** OH MY GOD KISS ME RIGHT NOW

**stop yelling:** we’re on our fucking phones hinata

**dumb of ass:** FINE BUT YOU OWE ME THE KISSING AT PRACTICE

**stop yelling:** BUY ME A REAL MILK DRINK THEN

**dumb of ass** : BUT I JUST SAID I LIKED YOU AND YOU LIKED ME

**stop yelling:** EXACTLY

 **stop yelling:** YOU LIKE ME SO NOW YOU HAVE TO BUY ME MILK DRINKS

**dumb of ass:** AT LEAST ASK ME OUT ON A DATE FIRST YOU UNROMANTIC PIECE OF SHIT

**stop yelling:** FINE I WILL AND ITS GOING TO BE THE BEST FUCKING DATE IN THE HISTORY OF DATES

**dumb of ass:** BET

**stop yelling:** IM GOING TO KISS YOUR FACE OFF BITCH

**dumb of ass:** HAH TRY YOUR BEST

* * *

_Direct Message:_ _Akaashi_K_ _and_ _WisdomOfTheAce_

[4:29 pm]

**akaaaaashi!:** You can’t block him forever Bokuto-san

 **akaaaaashi!:** He’s pestering ME now to talk to you

**Bokuto-san:** yes i can and no youre not allowed to talk to him either

**akaaaaashi!:** That’s so childish!

 **akaaaaashi!:** Obviously I’m not going to speak for you, but seriously! You haven’t even heard what he has to say!

**Bokuto-san:** i already know im delaying it because im a coward

**akaaaaashi!:** Yeah! You kind of are!

**Bokuto-san:** STOP BEING MEAN TO ME IM GOING THRU IT

**akaaaaashi!:** That doesn’t give you the excuse to behave like a five-year-old!

 **akaaaaashi!:** Look

 **akaaaaashi!:** Remember when I was in first year and I liked you?

**Bokuto-san:** … i forgot

**akaaaaashi!:** Good, because it never happened.

 **akaaaaashi!:** Whatever, what I’m saying is I told you about it and you didn’t reciprocate and turned me down nicely

 **akaaaaashi!:** And I was fucked over for like a week but then I got over it and now look at us

**Bokuto-san:** ok but youre like singificately better at compartmentaling than me

**akaaaaashi!:** No kidding!

 **akaaaaashi!:** And it’s “significantly” and “compartmentalization”. Jesus, Bokuto-san, we went over your spelling last week

**Bokuto-san** : im not unblocking him until i get over it which could be months or years and i might be pining until i die and thats FINE BY ME

**akaaaaashi!:** He hasn’t even rejected you

**Bokuto-san:** LEV, AKAASHI

 **Bokuto-san:** LEV

 **Bokuto-san:** ITS PRETTY CLEAR HES NEVER THOUGHT OF ME IN THAT WAY

**akaaaaashi!:** I really didn’t want it to have to come down to me telling you, but what if I said that he likes you back

**Bokuto-san:** U DONT NEED TO FUCKING BABY ME AKAASHI

 **Bokuto-san:** I THOUGHT U WERE LOOKING OUT FOR MY FEELIGNS!!!!

 **Bokuto-san:** I TOLD YOU IM BLOCKING HIM UNTIL I NEVER HAVE TO SSEE HIM AGAIN

**akaaaaashi!:** HE LIKES YOU.

**Bokuto-san:** I TOLD U TO STOP IT IM GOING TO BLOCK U TOO THEN

**akaaaaashi!:** I swear to God—

 **akaaaaashi!:** OK, OK, I’m done saying this for now.

 **akaaaaashi!:** I just think you’re being childish and irrational and jeopardizing maybe the best other friendship you have besides ours over something as relatively insignificant as a crush

 **akaaaaashi!:** I know maybe that’s what consumed you at this point but you need to get your priorities together:

 **akaaaaashi!:** Do you want to keep him in your life, potentially not the way you want him to be, but still be able to spend time with him and trust him as always?

 **akaaaaashi!:** Or do you want to lose him completely over this?

 **akaaaaashi!:** Don’t give me an answer right now. I want you to go do some goddamn exercise and think it through, OK?

 **akaaaaashi!:** And come back and give me your answer once your head’s screwed back on.

**Bokuto-san:** …

 **Bokuto-san:** ok

 **Bokuto-san:** thank you

**akaaaaashi!:** You’re welcome!

* * *

_Direct Message:_ _Akaashi_K_ _and_ _tetsurhoe_

[4:41 pm]

**BITCH:** Kuroo-san I am fucking LOSING MY MIND at you both!

**WHORE:** IS HE FINALLY GOING TO UNBLOCK ME??????

**BITCH:** NO

 **BITCH:** He isn’t!

**WHORE:** I FUCKED UP SO BADLY AKAASHI MATE PLEASE CAN U TELL HIM THAT ITS FINE

**BITCH:** I DID.

 **BITCH:** He isn’t fucking listening to me either! I don’t know why we both liked this goddamn blockhead so much when it’s clear he doesn’t even possess an infinitesimal fragment of rational thinking!

 **BITCH:** There is NOTHING getting through to him!

 **BITCH:** Nothing whatsoever!

**WHORE:** I HAVE TO COME OVER

**BITCH:** He’s COMPLETELY out of it! I wouldn’t be surprised if he called the police on you if you knocked on his door right now!

**WHORE:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFDSHFHJDSKFJKHDSFHKDSKFHJSDFJKHSDHKJFHKJ

**BITCH:** You know what—

 **BITCH:** These are my account details.

_[ BITCH has sent 1 photo to the conversation ]_

**BITCH:** Sign in and talk to him YOUR-FUCKING-SELF. I am TIRED of being in the middle of this!

 **BITCH:** OK?

 **BITCH:** Get your IDIOT man already

**WHORE:** OH MY GOD THANK U AKAAASHI HOW CAN I REPAY U PLEASE

**BITCH:** Never involve me in anything like this again and I’ll consider my debt settled for the rest of my miserable fucking existence, got it?

**WHORE:** OH MY GOODNESS

 **WHORE:** UR SUCH AN OG AKAASHI

 **WHORE:** AND UR A SOFTIE

**BITCH:** I am currently browsing for gasoline cans online as I compose an alibi for the soon-upcoming occasion where I stab you both to death and burn your bodies to get rid of the evidence.

**WHORE:** SOFTIE :)

**BITCH:** Because you’re special, Kuroo-san, I’m going to set you on fire while you’re still alive.

**WHORE:** : )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man can I just say. Head empty. Only Ch392 Bokuto.
> 
> Kageyama is a genius! He's just a very special kind of genius. He's a dairy-addicted poet. What can I say.
> 
> Bokuto is decidedly NOT a genius.
> 
> Someone give Akaashi a vacation please!

**Author's Note:**

> I will aim to post two chapters weekly, so I have sufficient time to edit them :)
> 
> (I have since deleted my hq blog, but if you really want to yell at me and/or join an Inarizaki Discord server, my new tumblr is @floralwreathed)


End file.
